The Valley

In that peculiar place between wakefulness and sleep, I've had this strangely real, randomly recurring dream.

I'm walking peacefully along a beautiful path with the Lord by my side. We're laughing and talking and generally having a wonderful time. When I look up I can see shadows looming in the distance, but it's such a perfectly lovely day with the sun shining brightly that I feel no fear. I almost welcome the promise of cool shade ahead.

For awhile I'm so focused on the next step, enjoying the beautiful scenery on either side of the immediate path, that I care little what lies ahead. But as I near the shadowy section of pathway I notice that it becomes darker and larger the closer I get.

I choose to ignore it. Hoping it will just go away.

Apprehension grows, and I look questioningly at my Savior ~ expectantly waiting to see the path veer away from the shadows at any moment. But each subsequent step we take proves that there is no way around this ominous, gloomy track.

Another questioning look at my Savior, my Friend. "Is there no other way?"

He looks to the left inviting me to look with Him. A huge mountain with a sheer face is all I see. Even from far below, the mountaintop looks so welcoming and wonderful that the desire of my heart is to look for a path that leads directly there.

There is no such path to be seen.

"But Lord, I would be happy just to get even halfway up and be able to enjoy the view of this valley below. You're God. You can do anything. Take me above the valley."

He looks to the right. As I again follow His line of vision I see a rough and rushing river with thick trees and underbrush on either side which is without question impassable. Going backwards is not an option, but the path ahead is beginning to look more and more fearsome by the moment. Dreadful even.

After being so comfortably warm and happy, I'm suddenly very chilly and afraid. Fretful. "Lord, do we have to go this way? The day was so fine and cheery. Why did you bring me this route when you knew this lay ahead? We were having such a wonderful time of fellowship and peace. This will ruin everything! It's so ugly and dark and scary. It seems that Evil itself lurks in the shadows just waiting for me to trip and fall so it can consume me! Please Lord, not through the valley. Please, no."

Silently, He reminds me that He's been holding my hand all along. "I will not let you go. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love you. This way is best. I promise. Just trust me. That's all I ask. Trust me. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, Lord," as I attempt to swallow my fear, "I trust you. I will trust you!"

"I know the path. I will go before you. All you have to do is follow my footsteps. Breaking the trail is the hardest part. You leave that to Me. Yes, the valley seems dark, and evil, and terrifying, but it's what lies on the other side that I have been longing to show you! It will be worth it all. Every stumbling block, every hardship, every aching muscle, all the fatigue, every tear. By comparison this valley will be nothing. Yes, I could have taken you on another route, but no other way will take you to this specific, wonderful place that I have planned and prepared just for you."

With resolve, but much trepidation I take that first step, my Savior's hand in mine as His voice gently fades into the distance, "Have I ever let you down? I am faithful......I am good.....I change not......trust me........."

....and I never can remember anything after that.

This weekend has been hard. I would love to be able to say that I've remained steady and strong; my faith never wavering.....but I would be lying.

Initially dread washed over me. I silently reminded myself that this changes nothing. God is still on the throne. Everything is still as it was the moment before. It's going to be okay. As the afternoon wore on the dread exploded into all kinds of fears. Fear turned to anger, and anger to grief ~ overwhelming, all-consuming, almost unbearable grief.

I cried for hours. Until I was utterly spent.

Over and over one thought repeatedly went through my head, "If my parent's go to prison, I will never again believe that God is just. Never!"

Once the fury of the storm passed, a still small voice began to steal into the silent places.

"Lord, I can't get through this. I can't even stop crying."
~"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

"But Father, it's so hard."
~"Blessed are they that weep, for they shall be filled with laughter."

"Lord, it's just not fair. It's unjust! I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces."
~"I'll bind your broken heart."

"They're innocent. They're only doing what's right. They don't deserve to go to prison."
~"I'll release you from captivity. Your chains will become a crown of blessing."

"The fire isn't strengthening me. All that's left is ashes."
~"Your ashes, I'll turn to beauty; your tears, the oil of joy."

"I feel like I'll never have joy again. I'm just so tired, Lord. So tired of it all."
~"For your fainting spirit I'll give you a garment of praise."

During this intense spiritual battle, Josh lay quietly beside me, praying for me. Comforting me with his presence, and a soft word and touch.

"He that now letteth will let, Honey."

"This isn't primarily about the I~R~S~. It's about God building faith in our lives. He could have used any hard thing. Could you imagine if one of our kids were dying of a terrible disease? Or if I died, and left you alone with five children? We can choose to let the hard things grow our faith and draw us closer to God, or we can allow them to discourage us and make us bitter. But God is always good! In His wisdom this is what He chose to use because it is the most effective means to draw us close to Himself, and it is the best way to bring honor and glory to Him."

"There is no losing this battle. Any which way it turns out, everything will be okay. Good even! The only bad thing that can come of this is if either your mom or dad, or you, or your sister, or somebody else that is close, and influenced by this were to lose their faith because of it. Then, and only then, would the devil win."

I choose to believe. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes, I will choose not to lose faith.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.