On Tough Love {And Ironic Juxtapositions}

I've spent hours with my kids reading through story after story of tough love and creative parenting. We've often found ourselves howling with laughter over the ingenious ways people have dealt with their kids' bad judgment calls. I, personally, have reveled in the sweet reassurance that I'm not alone in my childhood foolishness resulting in self-inflicted and well-deserved humiliation and embarrassment.

I could easily picture my own mom doing each of the things I've read, and always not far from our minds was my own poignant, up close and personal experience with tough love.

My kids savor being regaled with stories of their daddy's and my childhood. Mine was boring compared to my mischievous, farm-raised husband's, but fortunately for them, my mom was great at creative parenting so I'm not entirely without fodder for good stories.

I remember rarely getting spanked as a kid. I'm convinced spanking was for amateurs as far as my mother was concerned. She never wasted a teaching opportunity which, come to think of it, probably contributed greatly to my innate propensity to choose well. Just "the look" was enough to make both my sister's and my eyes widen in apprehension and our hearts skip a beat. Woe be unto us if she actually had to say or do something to correct us!

And, you know what, we loved her for it.  Our boundaries were clear, and there's something so sweetly comforting in that to a kid.

I learned early on that while being good all the time was hard, it was far easier than facing the inevitable consequences of wrong choices. I got away with exactly nothing, and if my mom didn't know about something, I knew it would go a lot easier on me if I told her about it than if she found out some other way, so I often ended up being my own nark.

I've always been a peace-seeking people-pleaser so I didn't get into trouble often, but when I did it was a doozy.

I was nine years old, knowing little to nothing of God and the Bible, smack dab in the middle of a Chama, New Mexico winter, when I was taught the lesson of a lifetime; one that would make me passionate for truth and the defense of it no matter the cost, with increasing intensity, for the rest of my life.

I attended public school at the time with one teacher, and about 30 classmates.

When the teacher left the room she nearly always put a friend of mine in charge, and for good reason. Eric was nothing if not responsible.

With him at the helm, a few kids might whisper back and forth, pass notes and generally do whatever they wanted quietly at their desks while the teacher was gone, but when she walked back into the room all was as it should be.

That particular day, for reasons I will never fully comprehend, I chose to resent that she never picked me. If I had been honest with myself, I would have acknowledged I didn't even want the responsibility. If she had asked me, I probably would have thanked her but asked if Eric could do it instead.

When my mom picked me up from school that day, and asked how my day had gone, in my incredibly skewed, and wrongly perceived rancor, I told her a lie.

I said that the teacher had put Eric in charge of the class, again, and I couldn't figure out why. Nobody listened to him, and he let the kids bounce off the walls. Then, as if I weren't already in deep enough, I told her that he, himself, had been jumping off his desk, and throwing pencils across the room.

She asked a few more questions, I gave answers consistent with my ill-advised story, and then ... and then ... and THEN she called his mom.

Oh, yes she did.

That short phone call seemed to last a sweet forever, the certainty of a myriad of distasteful consequences looming ominously before me. I had time to consider many different possibilities during those, in reality, fleeting moments.

"The lip of truth shall be established for ever: but a lying tongue is but for a moment" ~Proverbs 12:19

My mom confidently told Eric's mom all that I had said. Her honest response of being unable to imagine her son doing such a thing being completely justified, she graciously assured my mom she would talk to him and call her right back.

In the interim, I tried backtracking.

"It probably wasn't as bad as I remember."

"He probably won't see it that way."

"Do you really think he'll admit to doing something like that?"

All the while knowingly digging myself deeper still.

"A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering tongue worketh ruin." ~Proverbs 26:28

Of course, she called back and said, according to Eric, what I had said never happened.

My blood ran cold when my mom called me by my full name as she hung up that phone.  I knew I was in for it. The next few hours are indelibly imprinted upon my memory.

She bundled me up to my eyeballs in my winter gear, and told me I was going to walk across town, alone, and apologize to his face for lying about him.

I would have much preferred a spanking.

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I had watched the movie "Adam" about John Walsh's son being kidnapped, and ever since had been deathly afraid that would be my fate.  For that reason alone, to me, this consequence was a fate worse than death.

I was crying when I started out, but it was so freezing cold my tears froze to my face. I stopped that in a hurry, and tried to focus my energies on walking as fast as I could instead.

It was a miserable, long, cold walk all the way to his house and back.

Dogs kept coming out of nowhere to bark at me, causing my already knotted stomach to knot tighter still.

Trying to be aware of my surroundings, I kept turning in circles as I walked to make sure no one was following me or about to snatch me away in their car. One's peripheral vision is decidedly limited in kids' cinched tight hooded winter coats.

Chama is a small town, and I was safe though. I didn't know it then, but my mom and his, were in contact over the phone as to my whereabouts. It was only about one mile to their house and back; ample time though for me to recognize, regret, and repent, in stark, vivid detail of every aspect of my utter foolishness.

I will never forget Eric and his mom trying not to laugh when I showed up on their doorstep. I'm sure I was a sight, but how I resented their not taking it at all seriously! I walked back home and into my house repeating over and over that I would never, ever, EVER lie again.  Boy, did I mean it, with all of my heart.

I thought that was the end of the consequence, but I was wrong. After my winter clothes were peeled off, my mom sat me down at the table, and proceeded to lecture me for what seemed like hours. I interrupted her at one point and asked, "Will you please just spank me so this can be over?" No way, jose. That would have been too easy.

I didn't dare let my eyes glaze over either. I forced myself to listen intently to her every last word.

I gave her my word I wouldn't lie again, and I've mostly kept it, I think, especially to her! Whenever my conscience pricks me over discrepancies in details or exaggerations, all those horrible feelings of regret and humiliation come back in a rush, making me quick to apologize.

How could I have known then that twenty-seven years later I would experience such an ironic *juxtaposition of this very scenario?

All those years ago, before I was a believer, I was believed by a loved one when I inexcusably lied about a friend.

Today, for more than two years now, I am accused of lying for telling a tough love truth, a truth far worse than any lie I could or would make up, about a friend.  This, some 27 years after becoming a Christian, despite the fervent love for truth I have because of just such a lie. It makes no sense.

Life is funny like that sometimes, though, isn't it?

But God? He knows. He values the truth so much more. His consequences for lying are terrifying and sure.  Far worse than what seemed "a fate worse than death" to me in my childhood naivety.

But the experience has been such a gift all the same. It has proven and made this verse all the more meaningful and true in my life:

"I hate and abhor lying: but Thy law do I love." Psalm 119:163

"Lord, magnify our love for truth."

{What about you, friends? Do you have a tough love story that has shaped and molded you into the person you are today? Please, do share! My kids and I would so love to hear.

And, if you enjoy a good, tough love laugh, do yourself a favor, and go to Jen Hatmaker's Facebook page.  Scroll down to her June 16th post and read the comments.}


*Juxtaposition ~ defined as "two similar things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect."

{Mrs. Sherri Bothwell's Life Testimony ~ March 6, 2016}

{Love is Worth the Risk}

{An open letter to the extraordinary ladies of Bible Baptist Church of Fall Creek, WI.}

Dear ____________,

It’s 4 o’clock in the morning, but I’m wide awake with a heart overflowing with thankfulness and tears.  

  

And I just have to say it ... THANK YOU!  

Thank you so much ~

~for not seeing me as your pastor’s wife, but for seeing me;

~for loving me for who I am and all that I’m not, and not only choosing to see Jesus in me, but for being Jesus to me.

~for letting me into your lives, confiding in me, entrusting me with your hearts and allowing me to love you back, however imperfectly

~for allowing me to be transparent and real, encouraging me to let go of expectations, come what may. 

~for not only seeing when I have a need, whether physical or emotional, but going out of your way to meet it.

~for allowing me to walk this unscripted path with you as a mutually respected equal,

~for unreservedly loving on my family, especially my kids, and not holding us to a higher standard than your own.

~for understanding that I have no idea what I’m doing, but that I’m willing to show up and do it. 

~for praying with me and for me.

~for taking me out to eat delicious food that nourishes me physically while also providing unhurried and uninhibited conversation that nourishes my soul. 

~for letting me cry hot, bitter, ugly, sometimes even angry tears and not only loving me anyway, but crying with me through the brokenness and hurt.

~for making me laugh through the tears. 

~for being the kind of friend I can safely pour my heart out to, and in return unreservedly pouring yours into mine; filling up what’s lacking in my faith, and helping me look up and around with new eyes to really see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living where all I saw before were broken pieces I had no idea how He was ever going to put back together again.

~for patiently being my sounding board and letting me talk it out when it doesn’t make sense or sound spiritual, and helping me not only make sense of it, but also see the beauty of unexpected, unmerited, God-given wisdom in it all.

~for your willingness to be honest with me when you know it might hurt to hear what you have to say, but for saying it anyway because you really do love me that much. It is an honor to have women willing to walk with me like that; acknowledging my raw and broken places, but choosing instead to see beauty, and having the courage to tell me so.

~for cheering me on and saying that I’m here to "blaze a new trail of what it means to be a pastor’s wife" (I’ve rarely had the privilege of witnessing that caliber of grace!) reveling with me in the unexpected wonder of it all, and encouraging me to do it in spite of the fear and certainty of being misunderstood. 

~for volunteering to walk with me through dark days of uncertainty and fear. (I’m not sure I would even still be with me if given the choice!)

~for a relationship in which we can safely disagree (because we so genuinely want to agree), willing to give and receive grace with humility ... how you bless me!

~for understanding the limitations of chronic illness, and sharing your hard-earned health and wellness wisdom with me; for helping me to see the beauty of weakness being made strength, rejoicing with me in the honor, and most importantly not letting me give up.

~For standing in awe with me at the magnificent goodness of God in allowing our paths to cross ~ not just temporarily, but for forever friendships forged on a very real and bloody spiritual battlefield; for treasuring the privilege of walking this path together for any length of time, however long or short, giving each other the time, space, and grace necessary to hurt, to help heal, and to be healed.

Author Mary DeMuth has said, "The thing that wounds us is often the thing that God will walk us through again to heal us."

How true this has been for me, for us, hasn't it? He knew how we'd need each other ~ each other's stories.  Each beautiful, broken, redeemed one.  The heart of friendship is honesty, transparency, vulnerability, humility, but none of those can genuinely be present if unconditional love isn't assured.  You all are shining examples to me of what it looks like to love well.  

And that takes bravery.

Thank you.

~ Unbiblical Church Government and Leaving "Quietly" ~

Unbiblical Church Government ~

Church government has become as corrupt as civil government in many of the same ways that most pastors preach against in the pulpit.  The Declaration of Independence states our government is "of the people, by the people, for the people" and that those in elected positions are to represent the will of the people.  Instead those in elected positions disregard the will of the people, and further their own agenda through whatever means and corruption necessary.  

The same is happening in churches all across America.  Abusive pastors push their authority onto the  people, and say that any disagreement is dangerous in that it "touches the Lord's anointed."  The problem with this is that David is referring to Saul who was a KING in that verse.   Be sure to read your church's constitution carefully.  Many are worded in such a way as to protect these pastors from accountability and removal from their positions,  and sets the members up for censure if they challenge the pastor.  Some of these men are very good business men.  They have gifts of administration that they use to grow their churches, and it looks like God is blessing, but it's only skin deep.  Underneath the numbers is a pattern of deceit, manipulation, corruption, and control.  

A dear friend wrote this to us shortly after we left the church and I think it's important to include here.  It is succinct and powerful, and seeing someone so far removed from the situation have such complete understanding of all we were experiencing was a comfort and blessing:  

Hi Sherri,

Thanks for sharing your story. believe it or not, it reads like a script of many conversations I have had with friends across America over the last few months. The stories we have heard of what I now call, "abusive pastors" is happening at an alarming rate.

Something has happened in out Independent Baptist Churches over the last couple of decades. I am going to write on it sometime, but will give you a few thoughts here.

1. The church has ceased to be a body, and has become an organization running around a pastor. Pastors have been taught that the church is THEIRS. The vision is theirs, the direction of the church is theirs, the emphasis is theirs, the pulpit is theirs, all decision are theirs. They have effectively become a New Testament version of a priest. Baptist churches have historically been congregational. A functioning body where each part is special and important. But today we have one-man-shows. The pastors need people so that their vision for their ministry can be fulfilled. The fact that voting against or questioning a decision of the pastor makes you "disloyal" shows that the churches are not allowed to function as a body. All voting is simply rubber stamping the pastor's decision.

2. The pastors are insecure. Because pastors have been taught that they are supposed to have all the answers, ideas, vision etc., they are threatened by any good men (or women). They see any different view or idea as a threat since it exposes the truth that they actually don't have all the answers. After all, they are the "man of God," nobody else!

3. The pastors do not study. The sermons and messages preached are basically a repeat of the same basic things they have always said. People are going to church because it is the right thing to do, but if you asked the average church member, they are starving for good, thought provoking, fresh, spirit-filled, enlightening, challenging messages. Pastors are good at making snazzy, alliterated, 3-point sermons, but are not getting to the holy of holies having insight burned into their hearts by the Holy Spirit of God. When pastors feed the sheep, the sheep grow, get wisdom, mature, become leaders and wise. When pastors are not feeding the sheep, the sheep wander and the pastors are forced to try to "control" the sheep. Pastors control sheep by "telling" them what to do, and making them feel guilty and ashamed when they don't obey. Pastors get insecure when "their" sheep start to wander. So instead of looking at how green the pasture and how still the water, they go to building fences and punishing the wandering sheep. I am convinced that when a pastor spends his life in study and prayer and thoroughly "feeds" the sheep, the sheep will be under the control of the Spirit. Man-made control is a substitute for the Holy Spirit.

4. Pastors have a buddy system. Our generation of Pastors has lead this idea that you basically follow the "man of God" without question. Unless he is committing adultery or preaching a clearly false doctrine, we are told to follow. Pastors have put themselves into a situation where they are accountable to nobody. But they, in fact, are accountable to the church. 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 outline what we call "qualifications" of a Bishop. I believe that list is the boundaries in which a pastor must conduct himself. It is how a congregation is to measure whether a man is suitable to enter and remain in the ministry. Being a pastor is a privilege, not a right. It is not a throne to defend but a service to be dedicated to. However, the buddy system establishes men into an unrebukable position. We have been taught to "leave quietly" if we cannot submit and obey. So really, the pastors who teach this in each other's pulpits, have helped to ensure that none of them ever lose their jobs. A pastor would rather lose families and income in the short term to retain his unconditional power and authority.

5. Pastors blame the congregation. It's not that there is never fault with the members or people, but the first place a pastor should check if the sheep are wandering is THE SHEPHERD. Something interesting about sheep is that they love the voice and love to follow the shepherd. If they are wandering, the shepherd must look first at himself. To say visitors don't stay because my members are not friendly. I would say, why aren't they friendly? Is there a spiritual need in the church that I have failed to teach and address? Why is there a negative spirit amongst the sheep? Don't blame, intercede. Teach and love those sheep.

Just know we are in prayer for you. Don't feel guilty, bad, or ashamed. No man is your lord. Just love the Lord, stay tender to Him, ask for His guidance and see the door He will open for you. 

Kory Mears, Missionary to the Fiji Islands  

(Please note, Bro. Mears has not read or endorsed this article, but has graciously allowed us to include his letter. All we can say, is "Amen, Amen, and Amen!”)

On Leaving “Quietly” ~

There is nothing "quiet" about Matthew 18:15-17,  

"Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone:  if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church:  but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican." 

I particularly like the "that every word may be established" part.  Hindsight is 20/20, but in our case, a recording of each and every meeting would not have been out of line.  However, we naively went into each meeting in good faith that everyone would at least be truthful.   

Never assume that people are above stooping to lying, regardless of their position in the church.  Trust me, it happens.  Even pastors can lie, and some do.  And a classic maneuver of liars is to accuse the accuser of lying (or worse) in an attempt to divert attention away from themselves.  Abusers have an uncanny knack for blaming the victim for the abuse and using their emotional response to further control and manipulate.

{My Story of Spiritual Abuse}: Table of Contents

{Hover and click on the title to go directly to each chapter.}

~ Prologue

~ Chapter One:  Why I Write

~ Chapter Two:  A Paradigm Shift

~ Chapter Three:  The Beginning Of The End

~ Chapter Four:  Brokenness

~ Chapter Five:  What Is Spiritual Abuse?

~ Chapter Six:  UnBiblical Church Government and Leaving "Quietly"

~ Chapter Seven:  Unspoken or Unwritten Rules

~ Chapter Eight:  Gossip-Mongering

~ Chapter Nine:  "Power Posturing"

~ Chapter Ten:  On Unity and Disloyalty

~ Chapter Eleven:  Unbiblical Pastoral Authority

~ Chapter 12:  What Can I Do?

~ Epilogue:  Our Happy Ending

~ Prologue ~

Prologue ~

In Matthew 18:16, Christ commanded His disciples to take two or three witnesses to confront an offending brother. 2 Corinthians 13:1 says, “…In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.” 1 Timothy 5:19 instructs the church not to receive an accusation against an elder unless supported by two or three witnesses. Please observe in verse twenty that once guilt is established, the elder was to be openly rebuked. Hebrews 10:28 teaches that two witnesses were all that were required to condemn a person to death. 

With this understanding, let it be known that the events, laid out in this document submitted by Sherri, were the experience of several other families. These families arrived at the same conclusion although independently. These families did not confer with one another until we, each one, arrived at the decision about what to do. We saw the same problems, had much the same response, received the same reaction from the pastor when he was confronted, dealt with many of the same doubts and fears; and after much study, prayer, and counsel made the same decision and are very thankful that we did! We also have the same desire - that the church of Jesus Christ may be pure in purpose and practice so that it will have God’s power, and that sinners will fear and respect the gospel and be truly converted by it.

The church seems to know what 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, but seems to have problems applying this verse. Perhaps we really do not believe it. We serve, serve, serve in choir, in the Sunday School, in the nursery, on the bus, but we do it with dirty hearts and hands. Psalm 51 tells us God does not want “service” by wrong motives, worldly methods, or with unconfessed sin. God demands obedience first, before service. He does not want to drink out of a dirty cup. God has a method and a motive that churches are ignoring. We all need to honestly let God search us, know us, and see if there be any wicked way in us. May you be challenged and encouraged by what you read here. 

Sincerely, 

The John Hollands Family

~ Why I Write ~

Why I Write ~

 Let me begin by saying that I am no one.  I have no credentials to list that "qualify" me to address spiritual abuse and its related issues.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have no authority of which to speak.  I am simply a wife and mother who has observed and experienced much.  I am also an avid reader on subjects of importance to me such as this.  And, I am a writer.  I have a voice, and it is time to speak.  

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  ... a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b

    

When I sit down to write I'm inevitably faced with more questions than answers.  "What if this isn't the right time?  What if it hurts others?  The Lord knows, it hurts me enough. What if I'm misunderstood?  I'm still learning, what about what I don't know?"  "Write what you know" sweetly and reassuringly echoes through my mind.  What I know is, when lies are perpetrated, the only thing that will counter them is the truth.  

"By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil." ~ Proverbs 16:6a

    

This was originally written for my eyes only as part of a regimen designed to complete the healing of my own heart.  As it developed, however, I slowly had the courage to share it, first with my husband and then with a few close friends. The more I prayed about it, the more burdened my heart became for victims of spiritual abuse who feel lost and alone with no one to come alongside them and empathize with their struggle.  When I posted on Facebook that we had to leave our church, my inbox was filled with messages from people in various stages of hurt and healing from being forced to leave churches they, too, had loved.  These ongoing communications have given me new perspective and purpose.

    

That purpose in a nutshell is:  

           1)  to help others identify spiritual abuse

           2) to encourage them to share their stories 

           3) to emphasize the need for exposing abuse 

           4)  and most importantly to be a comfort to others "by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."  (I Corinthians 1:3-7)

What the purpose is not:  is to hurt, lash out at, or tear down others.  We have been slandered throughout this, so we know well how that feels.  It is pain unlike anything I have ever known.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  This also is not written for the purpose of changing anyone's mind.  It is simply a straightforward testimony of facts as they happened to us. The prayer of my heart is that this will encourage those who are tired of feeling like a victim, and that they, too, might have the courage to stand up to the spiritual abuse they have endured. 

I am thankful for the gifts that God gives us for the encouragement of others.  Our greatest gifts do, however, have the potential to become our greatest liabilities.  In sitting down to write this article, there is little I fear more than misusing or abusing the gifts God has graciously given me.  In the absence of His strength and guidance, I know that my writing would lose any credibility or effectiveness.  Therefore, please know, that the writing of this has been saturated with much reluctance, sobriety, and prayer.  Through this endeavor the Lord definitely has taken me through my paces in humility.

    

At times, my hands have trembled as I typed these words.  I well know the gravity of some of the things I am about to say, and the potential negative ramifications for some.  Many, many hours have been poured into this relatively short series.  It’s been one constant conversation with God.  I am loathe to say anything I shouldn't.  The prayer of my heart with every breath has been, "Lord, speak through me as You speak to me, and don't let me say anything You wouldn't have said."    No doubt ... no doubt ... there are those who can and will talk circles around me regarding such a sensitive subject as this, and that's okay.  Some may somehow feel threatened by this article.  The backlash you will likely witness will prove that.  And while I despise confrontation of any kind, I am resigned to it.  

    

I feel as if I am finally doing what I should have done, and saying what should have been said a long time ago.  Yes, I've put it off for far too long, but better late than never.  There is also this nagging feeling in my heart that this must be written if any sort or semblance of peace is to be had.  Yet, it's tempting to choose security and restlessness over insecurity and peace because, frankly, I'm tired of hurting.  Open, honest transparency comes at a price.  It requires baring one's heart to the censure of others.  By default, this opens it to the possibility of being trampled.  People often don't realize that words on a screen are attached to a vulnerable, well-meaning, sincere person on the flip side.  Everyone will have an opinion on what I am about to write.

It is no secret that I am a passionate person.  When I see injustice on any scale, it lights a white-hot fire in my soul and something rises up in me that resents the fact that no one else seems to care enough to speak up.  But, I'm ashamed to say, I'm also insecure enough to stay silent when silence seems to be the common consensus. 

    

One night as I was praying about whether or not it was God's will for me to write about this, He gave me an epiphany of sorts.  He showed me how time and again He has used me in answer to some of my own most heartfelt, agonizing prayers.  I was convicted by the realization that I have no business praying about something I'm not willing to do anything about.  Not always, but too often "I'm praying about that" has become a spiritual-sounding cop-out for me.  

    

It's true that sometimes we can get our grimy hands on a situation and make a mess of what God is trying to do.  But sometimes we have to make a choice:  to have the courage to do what we're led to do even though it is hard and may not turn out perfectly, or to do nothing and stand before God one day in guilt and shame for not having done what we could to make a difference.  I can't fight every battle, but I can fight this one.  I can't help every person, but I can help one person.  And if this particular battle helps even one person break free from the bondage of spiritual abuse it will have been worth it to me.  

    

There are legitimate reasons for leaving a church, and there is a right and wrong way to do it, but the right way is not always slinking away in silence, especially when you have done nothing wrong.  In order for problems to be taken care of they must first be acknowledged.  We cannot complain about the state of our country when the situation of many of our churches reflects a similar cesspool of corruption.  It is only so because God's people refuse to have the courage to take a stand and demand change.  Not only is it necessary, it is the Christian's sacred honor and duty.  Judgment must first begin at the house of God.  If we fail to make righteous judgments and take a stand for what is right within our churches, our country has no hope. 

    

There is nothing the devil would like more than for us to spend the rest of our lives in bitter silence, side-lined, and completely ineffective for Christ.  My heartfelt prayer is that this will build up hurting brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraging them to go out and go on for Him in spite of the pain they have experienced.  We must choose to view what God has allowed as His arrow pulling us back, to launch us into ever greater effectiveness for our Lord and His Kingdom. 

    

We know that not all pastors and churches are abusive.  My husband and I have had several pastors who were incredible examples of true, humble, and strong yet gracious servant-leadership.  As time goes on, our gratitude for them and the impact they have had on our lives grows.  We wouldn't be where we are today without their sacrifice, encouragement, unconditional love, and edification.  

     

But sadly, a few have been abusive.  They would posture and deny it, and predictably say that we were the problem. But the countless people who have attended their churches only to leave never to return, would give another account entirely.  Some of these pastors thrive on a "numbers" mentality, but their lack of people is the most telling tale of all.  They claim multitudes of  salvations and bulging church membership rolls, yet they remain with only the faithful few and some straggling visitors from Sunday to Sunday.  Please don't misunderstand me, we loved these pastors, too.  We still do, and we pray for them faithfully.  But the Bible clearly states "Open rebuke is better than secret love ..."  ~Proverbs 27:5  When a beloved one chooses to make himself a beloved enemy, often the best thing we can do for them is speak this open rebuke.

    

Statistically abusers were once the abused.  They, too, need help and healing.  And it behooves us all to be aware of the possibility of becoming the worst version of that which has hurt us.  Instead, may that spark of surrender ignite a fire in our hearts to be the change we'd like to see right where God has us.  I've come to realize that one small way I can be that change is to write this for the people I love.  Especially the friends-become-family that we never would have known without having gone to these churches.  God knows what He is doing.  He allowed this and them in our lives for a reason, and part of that, we believe, is to be faithful, to speak up for the truth and what is right, for their sake as well as ours.  Most will never read this because it isn't what they want to hear, but I love them enough to write it just the same.

I am no longer willing to sit idly by while people believe a lie.  For too much of my life I have cared more about what other people might think than about what God thinks.  I know what I am about to share will not be popular, especially among Christians.  But God has made it abundantly clear through His Word and much counsel from others that this is what He would have me speak.   "I have believed, therefore have I spoken.” ~Psalm 116:10a 

God’s Word commands us, “Thou shalt not bear false witness”.  When a lie has been spoken, and we refrain from telling the truth, we become part and parcel of that lie.  Even in the legal realm, it is common knowledge that silence equates agreement.  Saved and unsaved people alike appreciate transparency and a willingness to speak up for truth and right.  Jesus Christ Himself is truth.  He spoke up for it and defended it.  Nothing less will do for His church.

    

What is happening in some churches today brings reproach upon Christ and His church. This is too important to be silenced, stifled, hidden.  It must be shared, even at the risk of having it misunderstood.  In speaking about our experiences, I've been asked how can I say that I love God and publicly say such "unloving" things about His church.  My only response is because God does.  It is those that willfully sin against God and His church that bring about their reproach, not those who blow the whistle on it.  As faithful followers of God and fellow-heirs with Christ, how can we turn a blind eye to sin and say nothing when we see such things happening?  It is unloving not to speak up, not the other way around.  Jesus did, and so did Paul.  Publicly.  In an open-letter format.    (See Matthew 23 and 1 Corinthians 5)          

    

In Ephesians 4:25 we are exhorted to “speak the truth in love”.  God knows my heart’s desire is to speak in love, without sacrificing truth in the process. The truth is, the truth hurts - even when it is spoken in love.  I can attest to the fact, that sometimes it even hurts the one who has to tell it.  But this hurt is a healing hurt to both the giver and receiver.  Only when we share who God has been to us and all He's done for us through trial and hardship, do we find meaning in the suffering and purpose in the pain.  

"Writing our story, and keeping it locked away where no one can read it repeats the lethal pattern of silencing, and tyranny, and shame that so often accompanies trauma.  And the deadliest feature of trauma is that its aftereffects are suffered solitarily and in silence.  Dori Laub has written that for Holocaust survivors 'repossessing one's life story through giving testimony is itself a form of action, of change, which [one] has to actually pass through in order to continue and complete the process of survival after liberation.’"  Writing As A Way Of Healing:  How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives, by Louise DeSalvo     

So here I sit, writing, reluctant, vulnerable.  Trying to be brave.  Sharing my heart, and the imperfect, incomplete parts of my story so that you, too, might find hope and healing in the knowledge that you are infinitely loved and not alone.  

"But the story isn't finished yet, Lord, and the pain is, oh, so acute.  Are you sure you want me to write about this?” He ever so gently reminds me that Jesus, Lover of my soul, is also Author of my story.  And stories are meant to be told...

~ A Paradigm Shift ~

A Paradigm Shift ~

Isaiah 61:8  "…and I will direct their work in truth …"

It's been a year of detours for us.  Almost as soon as good weather hit last spring the construction workers were out in full force.  Three of the main ways we went into town at some point or other ended up being a series of wrong turns and mazes of roads that led seemingly everywhere but where we needed to be.  The most frustrating part was that there was rarely any indication of a roadblock or detour ahead when starting down any given unfamiliar road.  In the fall of 2013, however, we had indications that a major detour of a spiritual kind would be in our very near future.  

We fought it.  Oh, how we fought it. We were comfortable with the familiar and were doing just fine in cruise.  But God has a way of stirring up the nest, especially when we pray.  He makes things so uncomfortable that staying in that comfort zone becomes an impossibility.  He is the God of the impossible, after all.  

    

It began with an unexpected visit from a friend who had a profound impact on my husband earlier in life. He called to say he was coming through our area and asked if he could stop in for the night. We were thrilled!  He met us at the church we attended for an evening service, and came over for the night afterward.  

    

The next morning over breakfast, the conversation suddenly turned serious.  He said that he was most disappointed in the state in which he had found our church upon arrival the night before.  He had gotten there a little early and was appalled when he walked into the men's bathroom.  The toilet hadn't been flushed after the last use, there was a half-eaten chocolate bar smeared on a chair, and toilet paper and paper towels were all over the floor.  Josh and I nodded our heads knowingly.  He went on to point out several other things that would have turned off many visitors to our church.  In our minds we went through the church looking at it from the perspective of a visitor and saw the half finished projects everywhere, piles of boxes, supplies, and left over clothes that looked more like piles of garbage, right next to entrance doors.  We told him that we saw these things too, and were frustrated by them.

    

He looked at my husband and pointblank told him that as an active member of that church it was our responsibility to see to the problem areas that the Lord brought to our attention.  It was wrong for us to wait for the pastor or anyone else to do what God had clearly, repeatedly shown us needed to be done.  This was our church, it was God's church, therefore we had a vested interest in the running of it, and the buck stopped with us. 

    

Despite the many arguments that came to our minds we really couldn't argue in good conscience.  What he had said was true.  He went on to share with tears, his burden for perishing souls in the ministry God has given him.  He said we shouldn't allow our frustrations with the pastor to be an excuse for our inaction.  What a shame it would be on us if someone who needed the Lord had walked in early the night before, had taken one look at that bathroom, and had turned around and walked right back out without ever having heard of God's saving grace.  He couldn't have come up with a more powerful argument. 

   

He left shortly thereafter, and for days my husband and I found ourselves on our faces before God.  We renewed our surrender to Him, begging Him to send forth laborers into His harvest beginning with us.  Even before this visit, the Lord had been working in us an overwhelming burden for the souls of the precious people of our community unlike anything we had ever known.  

We were willing.  Whatever it took.  We had no idea what He was going to ask of us.  None whatsoever.  It ended up being the last thing we expected and seemed to go directly against everything we had ever been taught about the "work of God."  Oh, the lessons we had (and no doubt have) yet to learn!  We didn't know that He was about to ask us to forget everything we ever thought we knew about Him and His church.  We were about to start from scratch and see the differences between the traditions of men and the commandments of God.

From that morning on, everything suddenly began to change.  With the renewal of our commitment to God, things that had become burdensome became nearly effortless once again, even a joy.  God’s grace enveloped us.  My husband became more intentional to get up early and get to the church on Saturday mornings to finish up incomplete projects and clean.  He also made the decision that we would drive separately to church so that he could get there early enough to do any last minute straightening up and cleaning that needed to be done, and to pray.  What we didn’t know was that while we were busy trying to put things in order, God was busy unraveling bigger things in our wake…

During this time, my husband shared his renewed burden for souls with a good friend of his in the church.  They agreed that they were also mutually burdened to encourage their pastor and relieve some of his load so they immediately scheduled to meet with him.  My husband asked the pastor what he could do to free him up to concentrate on the ministry of preaching, praying, and counseling that God had given him.  My husband offered several suggestions of responsibilities that could be delegated to able men in the church, such as building upkeep and other less significant but time-consuming areas of need.  Another suggestion was to give the assistant pastor a raise to enable him to work less hours at his secular job, and devote more time to the ministry thereby also relieving the pastor.  My husband’s friend told the pastor that he was concerned about him "burning the candle at both ends” and expressed his desire to see him comfortably focused on being our pastor instead of running around trying to manage everything himself.  They both communicated to him their burden to see the church grow, and to do their part in being an effective witness to the community.  Our church regularly had visitors and as the church grew, they knew the pastor wouldn’t be able to do everything.  The men apologized for not stepping up earlier, and left the meeting thinking they had been an encouragement to their pastor.  

Shortly after this meeting, the pastor asked to speak with my husband and me saying that there was something he had wanted to talk to us about for over a year.  We agreed, thinking that maybe he wanted to know how Jr. Church was going.  When we met with him, he was very hesitant, but started asking strange questions about my ministry of leading a Ladies Bible study.  I had not been feeling well on and off for some time and so had not held the study for several months.  The pastor appeared to be trying to ask me to step out of this ministry.  Since I had not been able to do it for a while anyway, I said that wasn’t a problem, and agreed to let it go.  The entire meeting was filled with awkward pauses, and hesitant questions which was highly unusual.  He asked if there was anything else we wanted to talk about.  We shared some concerns about visitors maybe being turned off by the presentation of the building and by how some other things in the church were being managed, but it didn’t seem to be of a whole lot of consequence, or very serious.  He asked, we shared our thoughts with him, then we left.   It was no big deal, we thought.

An annual meeting to discuss the calendar for the next year’s activities, promotions, and special meetings was held around this same time.  The pastor handed out a schedule to everyone and asked for their input.  Input was given by several different families - suggestions of changes here and there.  The calendar had looked pretty much as it had since we started attending.  Since my husband recently had a renewed vision to help grow the church and reach out into the community, he offered several suggestions of changes.  He identified a few things that hadn’t gone very smoothly the year before, offered some solutions and volunteered to do whatever he could to help.  Several other families offered suggestions for things to change as well.  Although we had not agreed together to propose these changes beforehand, the pastor later said he was sure we had.  

He perceived all of the above as some sort of coordinated attack on him.

~ The Beginning Of The End ~

The Beginning of the End ~

{Three weeks later …}

It was a Wednesday night.  I was home sick, taking care of sick kids.  I remember looking at the clock and seeing it was exactly 9:00 p.m.  Josh wasn't home from church yet so I texted him to ask if he was on his way.  I received no answer.  

     

It was late when he finally called to say he was heading home.  He said I wouldn't believe what had detained him.  He couldn't believe it.  He couldn't even talk about it - all he could do was sit in stunned silence and weep.  We were up into the early hours of the morning just trying to figure out what in the world had happened.  It's been over a year since that night, and we still don't understand it.  None of it.  It just doesn't make sense.  

My husband and his good friend had been called into the pastor's office for another meeting.  The slew of false accusations and confrontation these two men faced were as ludicrous as they were unwarranted and unexpected.  They had barely been seated before the pastor accosted my husband with accusations concerning my mom (who lives halfway across the country).  He had called her a "preacher hater" and said he believed her to be the source of “cliques” causing division and disunity in our church because she had dared to disagree with him about something posted on Facebook that had to do with finances.  It was all so preposterous my husband could only laugh.  The pastor surely could not be serious.  The pastor further stated that she had told him in an ensuing private message that she was going to tell our entire family “not to follow their pastor.”  When we asked for proof of this, the pastor later provided us with a copy of the entire conversation, which proved that he was lying.  Even if it hadn’t, we knew this was something she would never say, because she has always had the utmost respect for my husband as the head of his family.   

The pastor then went on to accuse my husband of disloyalty, publicly disagreeing with his pastor, doing ministries with false spiritual motives "to look spiritual and further his own agenda,” and to harm rather than help the "cause of Christ.”  Everything that my husband had begun to do a month earlier had been seen as red flags, and was somehow misconstrued as a threat of some kind.  These men were further charged with forming cliques in the church with a few other select families.  The pastor alleged that the reason visitors were not staying was because we had not been friendly enough.

These men were also told that I had a problem with "pastoral authority.”  The pastor stated he believed this was due to the fact that I talked to my mom every day and she had "poisoned" me.  He claimed he had seen this time and again with others in his church in the past. Instead of going to either myself or my mother, he went to others both inside and outside our church under the guise of a prayer request to say he was being “attacked.”  Incidentally, this is something you will see he later falsely accuses me of doing.  (See Matthew 18:15)

    

This scenario is basically described with surprising accuracy in this excerpt from Ken Blue's book, "Healing Spiritual Abuse."  I couldn't believe the similarities.

"Suppose a woman in the church has a legitimate concern about the senior pastor's authoritarian style of leadership. She first speaks to the pastor about it, and he ignores her. She then talks to others about her concern, and at this point the pastor perceives her as a threat. He then counters her perceived attack by gossiping about her to the key leaders in the church. He confides to them that in a recent marriage counseling session with her and her husband, the woman confessed a deep rebellion against all authority, especially male authority. As their pastor, he is of course very concerned about her 'hatred toward legitimate authority,' but this does account (he observes) for her current attack on him. She and her concerns are thus discredited, discounted and dismissed. She is also personally hurt, because she is now labeled as rebellious.  Pastoral gossip is one means of controlling the flow of information and maintaining power."  ~Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience   

Misunderstanding, miscommunication, misconceptions and their accompanying accusations abounded.  During one of several follow up meetings, the pastor again reiterated that he didn’t feel we were loyal and was unsure of our motives.  When my husband asked what he had ever done that demonstrated any disloyalty whatsoever, the pastor referred to a recent counsel of men meeting in which my husband offered a perspective with which the pastor had disagreed.  The first time my husband disagreed he was immediately charged with disloyalty.  The pastor said all this put him in a very difficult position as far as keeping us in our ministries.  Having nothing to prove, we offered to step down from the ministries we loved.  We had been so blessed to serve God leading Jr. Church and the music ministry we were devastated to have to give them up.  Explaining it to the children was particularly difficult and even more heartbreaking.  

Despite our best efforts to save them, relationships we thought were rock solid began to crumble.  We had nothing but love in our hearts for our pastor and his wife.  When we moved here and began attending this church our hearts were bonded instantly with theirs.  I personally saw them as a brother and sister.  We had spent countless hours together in sweet fellowship and service to the God that we seemed to mutually love.  From our perspective, we thought our relationship was a safe enough place that we could share our hearts freely without fear of our loyalty and motives being brought into question.  Never once did we question their loyalty and motives towards us, and never would we have done so.  Our heart from day one was to love them well, and we had done nothing but faithfully uphold them in prayer, always on the lookout for ways in which we could help and be a blessing to them.  

As time went on it became increasingly clear that not only were things not improving, they were getting so much worse that if they didn't begin to change in a hurry, for the sake of our kids and all they were needlessly seeing and suffering, we would not be able to stay.  His ability to take his own manipulations and lies and pin them on us was unlike anything we had ever seen.  We didn’t know then that there was a name for this type of behavior.  At first it angered us, but after we realized how real this was and the extent of it, it only stirred our compassion.    

    

We had been assured that the things we talked about in the private meetings were confidential and that we didn't have to worry about them being "mentioned from the pulpit.”  Yet, these things somehow kept finding their way into everything that was taught and preached from then on in a completely inverted, dishonest way.  Nobody absolutely knew he was talking about us (except for those who had been in the meetings) but these lessons and messages were both defensive and condemning in spirit with the result being a feeling of either a spirit of confusion (for those who had no idea) or condemnation (for those at whom the messages were directed).  We now understand that this was intentional in order to cast doubt about us in the minds of the listeners once it became known of whom he was speaking.

    

We began to dread going to church.  Throughout the week, we'd pray and become optimistic, ready to see God work in church as he had been working in our lives.  We would arrive with hope soaring that our prayers for reconciliation and restoration would at last be answered, only to leave more battered and bruised and grieved than before.  This went on for more than two months.  

    

Although several people disagreed with it, we let our kids know how we were praying.  We were praying for reconciliation and that through this, the faith of our family would be greatly strengthened.  Since they were being directly affected one way or another by what transpired, we felt it only fair to be open and honest with them about what was going on.  It was a source of great spiritual struggle to our oldest son especially, but we have no regrets.  His struggle would have been greater had we concealed anything from him.  He not only had the right to know, he needed to know.  We cherished his input and perspective as we did that of all of our children.  We did not want any of them to think that this was normal or ok.  We did not want them to believe that good, spiritual Christians quietly and with shame endure that which they know is not only unacceptable, but needs to be spoken out against.  We have taught them from a young age that if someone is doing wrong, it is our duty to stand up for what is right, even if we find ourselves standing alone.  As painful as it was, this was our opportunity to lead by example.   

{We still haven't ceased to praise God that we were NOT alone!  As time went on it came out in various meetings in the pastor's office that there were several families who had been coming to him about similar things.  He thought we had been talking about it amongst ourselves and conspiring together.  In reality, in our efforts to handle things in the wisest way we knew how, we each had deliberately avoided speaking of it to others.  If the problem(s) had been fixed, there never would have been a need to talk about them with these families, but once it became obvious that things were only getting worse, what a tremendous comfort and gift from God it was to know we were not alone in our concern and heartache.}

    

December 22, 2013:  after many tears, fasting, prayer and counsel from many different men in the ministry, we did the unthinkable…   We left our church.