~ Why I Write ~

Why I Write ~

 Let me begin by saying that I am no one.  I have no credentials to list that "qualify" me to address spiritual abuse and its related issues.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have no authority of which to speak.  I am simply a wife and mother who has observed and experienced much.  I am also an avid reader on subjects of importance to me such as this.  And, I am a writer.  I have a voice, and it is time to speak.  

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  ... a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b

    

When I sit down to write I'm inevitably faced with more questions than answers.  "What if this isn't the right time?  What if it hurts others?  The Lord knows, it hurts me enough. What if I'm misunderstood?  I'm still learning, what about what I don't know?"  "Write what you know" sweetly and reassuringly echoes through my mind.  What I know is, when lies are perpetrated, the only thing that will counter them is the truth.  

"By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil." ~ Proverbs 16:6a

    

This was originally written for my eyes only as part of a regimen designed to complete the healing of my own heart.  As it developed, however, I slowly had the courage to share it, first with my husband and then with a few close friends. The more I prayed about it, the more burdened my heart became for victims of spiritual abuse who feel lost and alone with no one to come alongside them and empathize with their struggle.  When I posted on Facebook that we had to leave our church, my inbox was filled with messages from people in various stages of hurt and healing from being forced to leave churches they, too, had loved.  These ongoing communications have given me new perspective and purpose.

    

That purpose in a nutshell is:  

           1)  to help others identify spiritual abuse

           2) to encourage them to share their stories 

           3) to emphasize the need for exposing abuse 

           4)  and most importantly to be a comfort to others "by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."  (I Corinthians 1:3-7)

What the purpose is not:  is to hurt, lash out at, or tear down others.  We have been slandered throughout this, so we know well how that feels.  It is pain unlike anything I have ever known.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  This also is not written for the purpose of changing anyone's mind.  It is simply a straightforward testimony of facts as they happened to us. The prayer of my heart is that this will encourage those who are tired of feeling like a victim, and that they, too, might have the courage to stand up to the spiritual abuse they have endured. 

I am thankful for the gifts that God gives us for the encouragement of others.  Our greatest gifts do, however, have the potential to become our greatest liabilities.  In sitting down to write this article, there is little I fear more than misusing or abusing the gifts God has graciously given me.  In the absence of His strength and guidance, I know that my writing would lose any credibility or effectiveness.  Therefore, please know, that the writing of this has been saturated with much reluctance, sobriety, and prayer.  Through this endeavor the Lord definitely has taken me through my paces in humility.

    

At times, my hands have trembled as I typed these words.  I well know the gravity of some of the things I am about to say, and the potential negative ramifications for some.  Many, many hours have been poured into this relatively short series.  It’s been one constant conversation with God.  I am loathe to say anything I shouldn't.  The prayer of my heart with every breath has been, "Lord, speak through me as You speak to me, and don't let me say anything You wouldn't have said."    No doubt ... no doubt ... there are those who can and will talk circles around me regarding such a sensitive subject as this, and that's okay.  Some may somehow feel threatened by this article.  The backlash you will likely witness will prove that.  And while I despise confrontation of any kind, I am resigned to it.  

    

I feel as if I am finally doing what I should have done, and saying what should have been said a long time ago.  Yes, I've put it off for far too long, but better late than never.  There is also this nagging feeling in my heart that this must be written if any sort or semblance of peace is to be had.  Yet, it's tempting to choose security and restlessness over insecurity and peace because, frankly, I'm tired of hurting.  Open, honest transparency comes at a price.  It requires baring one's heart to the censure of others.  By default, this opens it to the possibility of being trampled.  People often don't realize that words on a screen are attached to a vulnerable, well-meaning, sincere person on the flip side.  Everyone will have an opinion on what I am about to write.

It is no secret that I am a passionate person.  When I see injustice on any scale, it lights a white-hot fire in my soul and something rises up in me that resents the fact that no one else seems to care enough to speak up.  But, I'm ashamed to say, I'm also insecure enough to stay silent when silence seems to be the common consensus. 

    

One night as I was praying about whether or not it was God's will for me to write about this, He gave me an epiphany of sorts.  He showed me how time and again He has used me in answer to some of my own most heartfelt, agonizing prayers.  I was convicted by the realization that I have no business praying about something I'm not willing to do anything about.  Not always, but too often "I'm praying about that" has become a spiritual-sounding cop-out for me.  

    

It's true that sometimes we can get our grimy hands on a situation and make a mess of what God is trying to do.  But sometimes we have to make a choice:  to have the courage to do what we're led to do even though it is hard and may not turn out perfectly, or to do nothing and stand before God one day in guilt and shame for not having done what we could to make a difference.  I can't fight every battle, but I can fight this one.  I can't help every person, but I can help one person.  And if this particular battle helps even one person break free from the bondage of spiritual abuse it will have been worth it to me.  

    

There are legitimate reasons for leaving a church, and there is a right and wrong way to do it, but the right way is not always slinking away in silence, especially when you have done nothing wrong.  In order for problems to be taken care of they must first be acknowledged.  We cannot complain about the state of our country when the situation of many of our churches reflects a similar cesspool of corruption.  It is only so because God's people refuse to have the courage to take a stand and demand change.  Not only is it necessary, it is the Christian's sacred honor and duty.  Judgment must first begin at the house of God.  If we fail to make righteous judgments and take a stand for what is right within our churches, our country has no hope. 

    

There is nothing the devil would like more than for us to spend the rest of our lives in bitter silence, side-lined, and completely ineffective for Christ.  My heartfelt prayer is that this will build up hurting brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraging them to go out and go on for Him in spite of the pain they have experienced.  We must choose to view what God has allowed as His arrow pulling us back, to launch us into ever greater effectiveness for our Lord and His Kingdom. 

    

We know that not all pastors and churches are abusive.  My husband and I have had several pastors who were incredible examples of true, humble, and strong yet gracious servant-leadership.  As time goes on, our gratitude for them and the impact they have had on our lives grows.  We wouldn't be where we are today without their sacrifice, encouragement, unconditional love, and edification.  

     

But sadly, a few have been abusive.  They would posture and deny it, and predictably say that we were the problem. But the countless people who have attended their churches only to leave never to return, would give another account entirely.  Some of these pastors thrive on a "numbers" mentality, but their lack of people is the most telling tale of all.  They claim multitudes of  salvations and bulging church membership rolls, yet they remain with only the faithful few and some straggling visitors from Sunday to Sunday.  Please don't misunderstand me, we loved these pastors, too.  We still do, and we pray for them faithfully.  But the Bible clearly states "Open rebuke is better than secret love ..."  ~Proverbs 27:5  When a beloved one chooses to make himself a beloved enemy, often the best thing we can do for them is speak this open rebuke.

    

Statistically abusers were once the abused.  They, too, need help and healing.  And it behooves us all to be aware of the possibility of becoming the worst version of that which has hurt us.  Instead, may that spark of surrender ignite a fire in our hearts to be the change we'd like to see right where God has us.  I've come to realize that one small way I can be that change is to write this for the people I love.  Especially the friends-become-family that we never would have known without having gone to these churches.  God knows what He is doing.  He allowed this and them in our lives for a reason, and part of that, we believe, is to be faithful, to speak up for the truth and what is right, for their sake as well as ours.  Most will never read this because it isn't what they want to hear, but I love them enough to write it just the same.

I am no longer willing to sit idly by while people believe a lie.  For too much of my life I have cared more about what other people might think than about what God thinks.  I know what I am about to share will not be popular, especially among Christians.  But God has made it abundantly clear through His Word and much counsel from others that this is what He would have me speak.   "I have believed, therefore have I spoken.” ~Psalm 116:10a 

God’s Word commands us, “Thou shalt not bear false witness”.  When a lie has been spoken, and we refrain from telling the truth, we become part and parcel of that lie.  Even in the legal realm, it is common knowledge that silence equates agreement.  Saved and unsaved people alike appreciate transparency and a willingness to speak up for truth and right.  Jesus Christ Himself is truth.  He spoke up for it and defended it.  Nothing less will do for His church.

    

What is happening in some churches today brings reproach upon Christ and His church. This is too important to be silenced, stifled, hidden.  It must be shared, even at the risk of having it misunderstood.  In speaking about our experiences, I've been asked how can I say that I love God and publicly say such "unloving" things about His church.  My only response is because God does.  It is those that willfully sin against God and His church that bring about their reproach, not those who blow the whistle on it.  As faithful followers of God and fellow-heirs with Christ, how can we turn a blind eye to sin and say nothing when we see such things happening?  It is unloving not to speak up, not the other way around.  Jesus did, and so did Paul.  Publicly.  In an open-letter format.    (See Matthew 23 and 1 Corinthians 5)          

    

In Ephesians 4:25 we are exhorted to “speak the truth in love”.  God knows my heart’s desire is to speak in love, without sacrificing truth in the process. The truth is, the truth hurts - even when it is spoken in love.  I can attest to the fact, that sometimes it even hurts the one who has to tell it.  But this hurt is a healing hurt to both the giver and receiver.  Only when we share who God has been to us and all He's done for us through trial and hardship, do we find meaning in the suffering and purpose in the pain.  

"Writing our story, and keeping it locked away where no one can read it repeats the lethal pattern of silencing, and tyranny, and shame that so often accompanies trauma.  And the deadliest feature of trauma is that its aftereffects are suffered solitarily and in silence.  Dori Laub has written that for Holocaust survivors 'repossessing one's life story through giving testimony is itself a form of action, of change, which [one] has to actually pass through in order to continue and complete the process of survival after liberation.’"  Writing As A Way Of Healing:  How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives, by Louise DeSalvo     

So here I sit, writing, reluctant, vulnerable.  Trying to be brave.  Sharing my heart, and the imperfect, incomplete parts of my story so that you, too, might find hope and healing in the knowledge that you are infinitely loved and not alone.  

"But the story isn't finished yet, Lord, and the pain is, oh, so acute.  Are you sure you want me to write about this?” He ever so gently reminds me that Jesus, Lover of my soul, is also Author of my story.  And stories are meant to be told...