{My Story: Breaking the Silence On Spiritual Abuse}

Prologue ~

In Matthew 18:16, Christ commanded His disciples to take two or three witnesses to confront an offending brother. 2 Corinthians 13:1 says, “…In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.” 1 Timothy 5:19 instructs the church not to receive an accusation against an elder unless supported by two or three witnesses. Please observe in verse twenty that once guilt is established, the elder was to be openly rebuked. Hebrews 10:28 teaches that two witnesses were all that were required to condemn a person to death. 

With this understanding, let it be known that the events, laid out in this document submitted by Sherri, were the experience of several other families. These families arrived at the same conclusion although independently. These families did not confer with one another until we, each one, arrived at the decision about what to do. We saw the same problems, had much the same response, received the same reaction from the pastor when he was confronted, dealt with many of the same doubts and fears; and after much study, prayer, and counsel made the same decision and are very thankful that we did! We also have the same desire - that the church of Jesus Christ may be pure in purpose and practice so that it will have God’s power, and that sinners will fear and respect the gospel and be truly converted by it.

The church seems to know what 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, but seems to have problems applying this verse. Perhaps we really do not believe it. We serve, serve, serve in choir, in the Sunday School, in the nursery, on the bus, but we do it with dirty hearts and hands. Psalm 51 tells us God does not want “service” by wrong motives, worldly methods, or with unconfessed sin. God demands obedience first, before service. He does not want to drink out of a dirty cup. God has a method and a motive that churches are ignoring. We all need to honestly let God search us, know us, and see if there be any wicked way in us. May you be challenged and encouraged by what you read here. 

Sincerely, 

The John Hollands Family

Why I Write ~

 Let me begin by saying that I am no one.  I have no credentials to list that "qualify" me to address spiritual abuse and its related issues.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have no authority of which to speak.  I am simply a wife and mother who has observed and experienced much.  I am also an avid reader on subjects of importance to me such as this.  And, I am a writer.  I have a voice, and it is time to speak.  

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  ... a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b

    

When I sit down to write I'm inevitably faced with more questions than answers.  "What if this isn't the right time?  What if it hurts others?  The Lord knows, it hurts me enough. What if I'm misunderstood?  I'm still learning, what about what I don't know?"  "Write what you know" sweetly and reassuringly echoes through my mind.  What I know is, when lies are perpetrated, the only thing that will counter them is the truth.  

"By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil." ~ Proverbs 16:6a

    

This was originally written for my eyes only as part of a regimen designed to complete the healing of my own heart.  As it developed, however, I slowly had the courage to share it, first with my husband and then with a few close friends. The more I prayed about it, the more burdened my heart became for victims of spiritual abuse who feel lost and alone with no one to come alongside them and empathize with their struggle.  When I posted on Facebook that we had to leave our church, my inbox was filled with messages from people in various stages of hurt and healing from being forced to leave churches they, too, had loved.  These ongoing communications have given me new perspective and purpose.

    

That purpose in a nutshell is:  

           1)  to help others identify spiritual abuse

           2) to encourage them to share their stories 

           3) to emphasize the need for exposing abuse 

           4)  and most importantly to be a comfort to others "by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."  (I Corinthians 1:3-7)

What the purpose is not:  is to hurt, lash out at, or tear down others.  We have been slandered throughout this, so we know well how that feels.  It is pain unlike anything I have ever known.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  This also is not written for the purpose of changing anyone's mind.  It is simply a straightforward testimony of facts as they happened to us. The prayer of my heart is that this will encourage those who are tired of feeling like a victim, and that they, too, might have the courage to stand up to the spiritual abuse they have endured. 

I am thankful for the gifts that God gives us for the encouragement of others.  Our greatest gifts do, however, have the potential to become our greatest liabilities.  In sitting down to write this article, there is little I fear more than misusing or abusing the gifts God has graciously given me.  In the absence of His strength and guidance, I know that my writing would lose any credibility or effectiveness.  Therefore, please know, that the writing of this has been saturated with much reluctance, sobriety, and prayer.  Through this endeavor the Lord definitely has taken me through my paces in humility.

    

At times, my hands have trembled as I typed these words.  I well know the gravity of some of the things I am about to say, and the potential negative ramifications for some.  Many, many hours have been poured into this relatively short series.  It’s been one constant conversation with God.  I am loathe to say anything I shouldn't.  The prayer of my heart with every breath has been, "Lord, speak through me as You speak to me, and don't let me say anything You wouldn't have said."    No doubt ... no doubt ... there are those who can and will talk circles around me regarding such a sensitive subject as this, and that's okay.  Some may somehow feel threatened by this article.  The backlash you will likely witness will prove that.  And while I despise confrontation of any kind, I am resigned to it.  

    

I feel as if I am finally doing what I should have done, and saying what should have been said a long time ago.  Yes, I've put it off for far too long, but better late than never.  There is also this nagging feeling in my heart that this must be written if any sort or semblance of peace is to be had.  Yet, it's tempting to choose security and restlessness over insecurity and peace because, frankly, I'm tired of hurting.  Open, honest transparency comes at a price.  It requires baring one's heart to the censure of others.  By default, this opens it to the possibility of being trampled.  People often don't realize that words on a screen are attached to a vulnerable, well-meaning, sincere person on the flip side.  Everyone will have an opinion on what I am about to write.

It is no secret that I am a passionate person.  When I see injustice on any scale, it lights a white-hot fire in my soul and something rises up in me that resents the fact that no one else seems to care enough to speak up.  But, I'm ashamed to say, I'm also insecure enough to stay silent when silence seems to be the common consensus. 

    

One night as I was praying about whether or not it was God's will for me to write about this, He gave me an epiphany of sorts.  He showed me how time and again He has used me in answer to some of my own most heartfelt, agonizing prayers.  I was convicted by the realization that I have no business praying about something I'm not willing to do anything about.  Not always, but too often "I'm praying about that" has become a spiritual-sounding cop-out for me.  

    

It's true that sometimes we can get our grimy hands on a situation and make a mess of what God is trying to do.  But sometimes we have to make a choice:  to have the courage to do what we're led to do even though it is hard and may not turn out perfectly, or to do nothing and stand before God one day in guilt and shame for not having done what we could to make a difference.  I can't fight every battle, but I can fight this one.  I can't help every person, but I can help one person.  And if this particular battle helps even one person break free from the bondage of spiritual abuse it will have been worth it to me.  

    

There are legitimate reasons for leaving a church, and there is a right and wrong way to do it, but the right way is not always slinking away in silence, especially when you have done nothing wrong.  In order for problems to be taken care of they must first be acknowledged.  We cannot complain about the state of our country when the situation of many of our churches reflects a similar cesspool of corruption.  It is only so because God's people refuse to have the courage to take a stand and demand change.  Not only is it necessary, it is the Christian's sacred honor and duty.  Judgment must first begin at the house of God.  If we fail to make righteous judgments and take a stand for what is right within our churches, our country has no hope. 

    

There is nothing the devil would like more than for us to spend the rest of our lives in bitter silence, side-lined, and completely ineffective for Christ.  My heartfelt prayer is that this will build up hurting brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraging them to go out and go on for Him in spite of the pain they have experienced.  We must choose to view what God has allowed as His arrow pulling us back, to launch us into ever greater effectiveness for our Lord and His Kingdom. 

    

We know that not all pastors and churches are abusive.  My husband and I have had several pastors who were incredible examples of true, humble, and strong yet gracious servant-leadership.  As time goes on, our gratitude for them and the impact they have had on our lives grows.  We wouldn't be where we are today without their sacrifice, encouragement, unconditional love, and edification.  

     

But sadly, a few have been abusive.  They would posture and deny it, and predictably say that we were the problem. But the countless people who have attended their churches only to leave never to return, would give another account entirely.  Some of these pastors thrive on a "numbers" mentality, but their lack of people is the most telling tale of all.  They claim multitudes of  salvations and bulging church membership rolls, yet they remain with only the faithful few and some straggling visitors from Sunday to Sunday.  Please don't misunderstand me, we loved these pastors, too.  We still do, and we pray for them faithfully.  But the Bible clearly states "Open rebuke is better than secret love ..."  ~Proverbs 27:5  When a beloved one chooses to make himself a beloved enemy, often the best thing we can do for them is speak this open rebuke.

    

Statistically abusers were once the abused.  They, too, need help and healing.  And it behooves us all to be aware of the possibility of becoming the worst version of that which has hurt us.  Instead, may that spark of surrender ignite a fire in our hearts to be the change we'd like to see right where God has us.  I've come to realize that one small way I can be that change is to write this for the people I love.  Especially the friends-become-family that we never would have known without having gone to these churches.  God knows what He is doing.  He allowed this and them in our lives for a reason, and part of that, we believe, is to be faithful, to speak up for the truth and what is right, for their sake as well as ours.  Most will never read this because it isn't what they want to hear, but I love them enough to write it just the same.

I am no longer willing to sit idly by while people believe a lie.  For too much of my life I have cared more about what other people might think than about what God thinks.  I know what I am about to share will not be popular, especially among Christians.  But God has made it abundantly clear through His Word and much counsel from others that this is what He would have me speak.   "I have believed, therefore have I spoken.” ~Psalm 116:10a 

God’s Word commands us, “Thou shalt not bear false witness”.  When a lie has been spoken, and we refrain from telling the truth, we become part and parcel of that lie.  Even in the legal realm, it is common knowledge that silence equates agreement.  Saved and unsaved people alike appreciate transparency and a willingness to speak up for truth and right.  Jesus Christ Himself is truth.  He spoke up for it and defended it.  Nothing less will do for His church.

    

What is happening in some churches today brings reproach upon Christ and His church. This is too important to be silenced, stifled, hidden.  It must be shared, even at the risk of having it misunderstood.  In speaking about our experiences, I've been asked how can I say that I love God and publicly say such "unloving" things about His church.  My only response is because God does.  It is those that willfully sin against God and His church that bring about their reproach, not those who blow the whistle on it.  As faithful followers of God and fellow-heirs with Christ, how can we turn a blind eye to sin and say nothing when we see such things happening?  It is unloving not to speak up, not the other way around.  Jesus did, and so did Paul.  Publicly.  In an open-letter format.    (See Matthew 23 and 1 Corinthians 5)          

    

In Ephesians 4:25 we are exhorted to “speak the truth in love”.  God knows my heart’s desire is to speak in love, without sacrificing truth in the process. The truth is, the truth hurts - even when it is spoken in love.  I can attest to the fact, that sometimes it even hurts the one who has to tell it.  But this hurt is a healing hurt to both the giver and receiver.  Only when we share who God has been to us and all He's done for us through trial and hardship, do we find meaning in the suffering and purpose in the pain.  

"Writing our story, and keeping it locked away where no one can read it repeats the lethal pattern of silencing, and tyranny, and shame that so often accompanies trauma.  And the deadliest feature of trauma is that its aftereffects are suffered solitarily and in silence.  Dori Laub has written that for Holocaust survivors 'repossessing one's life story through giving testimony is itself a form of action, of change, which [one] has to actually pass through in order to continue and complete the process of survival after liberation.’"  Writing As A Way Of Healing:  How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives, by Louise DeSalvo     

So here I sit, writing, reluctant, vulnerable.  Trying to be brave.  Sharing my heart, and the imperfect, incomplete parts of my story so that you, too, might find hope and healing in the knowledge that you are infinitely loved and not alone.  

"But the story isn't finished yet, Lord, and the pain is, oh, so acute.  Are you sure you want me to write about this?” He ever so gently reminds me that Jesus, Lover of my soul, is also Author of my story.  And stories are meant to be told...

A Paradigm Shift ~

Isaiah 61:8  "…and I will direct their work in truth …"

It's been a year of detours for us.  Almost as soon as good weather hit last spring the construction workers were out in full force.  Three of the main ways we went into town at some point or other ended up being a series of wrong turns and mazes of roads that led seemingly everywhere but where we needed to be.  The most frustrating part was that there was rarely any indication of a roadblock or detour ahead when starting down any given unfamiliar road.  In the fall of 2013, however, we had indications that a major detour of a spiritual kind would be in our very near future.  

We fought it.  Oh, how we fought it. We were comfortable with the familiar and were doing just fine in cruise.  But God has a way of stirring up the nest, especially when we pray.  He makes things so uncomfortable that staying in that comfort zone becomes an impossibility.  He is the God of the impossible, after all.  

    

It began with an unexpected visit from a friend who had a profound impact on my husband earlier in life. He called to say he was coming through our area and asked if he could stop in for the night. We were thrilled!  He met us at the church we attended for an evening service, and came over for the night afterward.  

    

The next morning over breakfast, the conversation suddenly turned serious.  He said that he was most disappointed in the state in which he had found our church upon arrival the night before.  He had gotten there a little early and was appalled when he walked into the men's bathroom.  The toilet hadn't been flushed after the last use, there was a half-eaten chocolate bar smeared on a chair, and toilet paper and paper towels were all over the floor.  Josh and I nodded our heads knowingly.  He went on to point out several other things that would have turned off many visitors to our church.  In our minds we went through the church looking at it from the perspective of a visitor and saw the half finished projects everywhere, piles of boxes, supplies, and left over clothes that looked more like piles of garbage, right next to entrance doors.  We told him that we saw these things too, and were frustrated by them.

    

He looked at my husband and pointblank told him that as an active member of that church it was our responsibility to see to the problem areas that the Lord brought to our attention.  It was wrong for us to wait for the pastor or anyone else to do what God had clearly, repeatedly shown us needed to be done.  This was our church, it was God's church, therefore we had a vested interest in the running of it, and the buck stopped with us. 

    

Despite the many arguments that came to our minds we really couldn't argue in good conscience.  What he had said was true.  He went on to share with tears, his burden for perishing souls in the ministry God has given him.  He said we shouldn't allow our frustrations with the pastor to be an excuse for our inaction.  What a shame it would be on us if someone who needed the Lord had walked in early the night before, had taken one look at that bathroom, and had turned around and walked right back out without ever having heard of God's saving grace.  He couldn't have come up with a more powerful argument. 

   

He left shortly thereafter, and for days my husband and I found ourselves on our faces before God.  We renewed our surrender to Him, begging Him to send forth laborers into His harvest beginning with us.  Even before this visit, the Lord had been working in us an overwhelming burden for the souls of the precious people of our community unlike anything we had ever known.  

We were willing.  Whatever it took.  We had no idea what He was going to ask of us.  None whatsoever.  It ended up being the last thing we expected and seemed to go directly against everything we had ever been taught about the "work of God."  Oh, the lessons we had (and no doubt have) yet to learn!  We didn't know that He was about to ask us to forget everything we ever thought we knew about Him and His church.  We were about to start from scratch and see the differences between the traditions of men and the commandments of God.

From that morning on, everything suddenly began to change.  With the renewal of our commitment to God, things that had become burdensome became nearly effortless once again, even a joy.  God’s grace enveloped us.  My husband became more intentional to get up early and get to the church on Saturday mornings to finish up incomplete projects and clean.  He also made the decision that we would drive separately to church so that he could get there early enough to do any last minute straightening up and cleaning that needed to be done, and to pray.  What we didn’t know was that while we were busy trying to put things in order, God was busy unraveling bigger things in our wake…

During this time, my husband shared his renewed burden for souls with a good friend of his in the church.  They agreed that they were also mutually burdened to encourage their pastor and relieve some of his load so they immediately scheduled to meet with him.  My husband asked the pastor what he could do to free him up to concentrate on the ministry of preaching, praying, and counseling that God had given him.  My husband offered several suggestions of responsibilities that could be delegated to able men in the church, such as building upkeep and other less significant but time-consuming areas of need.  Another suggestion was to give the assistant pastor a raise to enable him to work less hours at his secular job, and devote more time to the ministry thereby also relieving the pastor.  My husband’s friend told the pastor that he was concerned about him "burning the candle at both ends” and expressed his desire to see him comfortably focused on being our pastor instead of running around trying to manage everything himself.  They both communicated to him their burden to see the church grow, and to do their part in being an effective witness to the community.  Our church regularly had visitors and as the church grew, they knew the pastor wouldn’t be able to do everything.  The men apologized for not stepping up earlier, and left the meeting thinking they had been an encouragement to their pastor.  

Shortly after this meeting, the pastor asked to speak with my husband and me saying that there was something he had wanted to talk to us about for over a year.  We agreed, thinking that maybe he wanted to know how Jr. Church was going.  When we met with him, he was very hesitant, but started asking strange questions about my ministry of leading a Ladies Bible study.  I had not been feeling well on and off for some time and so had not held the study for several months.  The pastor appeared to be trying to ask me to step out of this ministry.  Since I had not been able to do it for a while anyway, I said that wasn’t a problem, and agreed to let it go.  The entire meeting was filled with awkward pauses, and hesitant questions which was highly unusual.  He asked if there was anything else we wanted to talk about.  We shared some concerns about visitors maybe being turned off by the presentation of the building and by how some other things in the church were being managed, but it didn’t seem to be of a whole lot of consequence, or very serious.  He asked, we shared our thoughts with him, then we left.   It was no big deal, we thought.

An annual meeting to discuss the calendar for the next year’s activities, promotions, and special meetings was held around this same time.  The pastor handed out a schedule to everyone and asked for their input.  Input was given by several different families - suggestions of changes here and there.  The calendar had looked pretty much as it had since we started attending.  Since my husband recently had a renewed vision to help grow the church and reach out into the community, he offered several suggestions of changes.  He identified a few things that hadn’t gone very smoothly the year before, offered some solutions and volunteered to do whatever he could to help.  Several other families offered suggestions for things to change as well.  Although we had not agreed together to propose these changes beforehand, the pastor later said he was sure we had.  

He perceived all of the above as some sort of coordinated attack on him.

The Beginning of the End ~

{Three weeks later …}

It was a Wednesday night.  I was home sick, taking care of sick kids.  I remember looking at the clock and seeing it was exactly 9:00 p.m.  Josh wasn't home from church yet so I texted him to ask if he was on his way.  I received no answer.  

     

It was late when he finally called to say he was heading home.  He said I wouldn't believe what had detained him.  He couldn't believe it.  He couldn't even talk about it - all he could do was sit in stunned silence and weep.  We were up into the early hours of the morning just trying to figure out what in the world had happened.  It's been over a year since that night, and we still don't understand it.  None of it.  It just doesn't make sense.  

My husband and his good friend had been called into the pastor's office for another meeting.  The slew of false accusations and confrontation these two men faced were as ludicrous as they were unwarranted and unexpected.  They had barely been seated before the pastor accosted my husband with accusations concerning my mom (who lives halfway across the country).  He had called her a "preacher hater" and said he believed her to be the source of “cliques” causing division and disunity in our church because she had dared to disagree with him about something posted on Facebook that had to do with finances.  It was all so preposterous my husband could only laugh.  The pastor surely could not be serious.  The pastor further stated that she had told him in an ensuing private message that she was going to tell our entire family “not to follow their pastor.”  When we asked for proof of this, the pastor later provided us with a copy of the entire conversation, which proved that he was lying.  Even if it hadn’t, we knew this was something she would never say, because she has always had the utmost respect for my husband as the head of his family.   

The pastor then went on to accuse my husband of disloyalty, publicly disagreeing with his pastor, doing ministries with false spiritual motives "to look spiritual and further his own agenda,” and to harm rather than help the "cause of Christ.”  Everything that my husband had begun to do a month earlier had been seen as red flags, and was somehow misconstrued as a threat of some kind.  These men were further charged with forming cliques in the church with a few other select families.  The pastor alleged that the reason visitors were not staying was because we had not been friendly enough.

These men were also told that I had a problem with "pastoral authority.”  The pastor stated he believed this was due to the fact that I talked to my mom every day and she had "poisoned" me.  He claimed he had seen this time and again with others in his church in the past. Instead of going to either myself or my mother, he went to others both inside and outside our church under the guise of a prayer request to say he was being “attacked.”  Incidentally, this is something you will see he later falsely accuses me of doing.  (See Matthew 18:15)

    

This scenario is basically described with surprising accuracy in this excerpt from Ken Blue's book, "Healing Spiritual Abuse."  I couldn't believe the similarities.

"Suppose a woman in the church has a legitimate concern about the senior pastor's authoritarian style of leadership. She first speaks to the pastor about it, and he ignores her. She then talks to others about her concern, and at this point the pastor perceives her as a threat. He then counters her perceived attack by gossiping about her to the key leaders in the church. He confides to them that in a recent marriage counseling session with her and her husband, the woman confessed a deep rebellion against all authority, especially male authority. As their pastor, he is of course very concerned about her 'hatred toward legitimate authority,' but this does account (he observes) for her current attack on him. She and her concerns are thus discredited, discounted and dismissed. She is also personally hurt, because she is now labeled as rebellious.  Pastoral gossip is one means of controlling the flow of information and maintaining power."  ~Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience   

Misunderstanding, miscommunication, misconceptions and their accompanying accusations abounded.  During one of several follow up meetings, the pastor again reiterated that he didn’t feel we were loyal and was unsure of our motives.  When my husband asked what he had ever done that demonstrated any disloyalty whatsoever, the pastor referred to a recent counsel of men meeting in which my husband offered a perspective with which the pastor had disagreed.  The first time my husband disagreed he was immediately charged with disloyalty.  The pastor said all this put him in a very difficult position as far as keeping us in our ministries.  Having nothing to prove, we offered to step down from the ministries we loved.  We had been so blessed to serve God leading Jr. Church and the music ministry we were devastated to have to give them up.  Explaining it to the children was particularly difficult and even more heartbreaking.  

Despite our best efforts to save them, relationships we thought were rock solid began to crumble.  We had nothing but love in our hearts for our pastor and his wife.  When we moved here and began attending this church our hearts were bonded instantly with theirs.  I personally saw them as a brother and sister.  We had spent countless hours together in sweet fellowship and service to the God that we seemed to mutually love.  From our perspective, we thought our relationship was a safe enough place that we could share our hearts freely without fear of our loyalty and motives being brought into question.  Never once did we question their loyalty and motives towards us, and never would we have done so.  Our heart from day one was to love them well, and we had done nothing but faithfully uphold them in prayer, always on the lookout for ways in which we could help and be a blessing to them.  

As time went on it became increasingly clear that not only were things not improving, they were getting so much worse that if they didn't begin to change in a hurry, for the sake of our kids and all they were needlessly seeing and suffering, we would not be able to stay.  His ability to take his own manipulations and lies and pin them on us was unlike anything we had ever seen.  We didn’t know then that there was a name for this type of behavior.  At first it angered us, but after we realized how real this was and the extent of it, it only stirred our compassion.    

    

We had been assured that the things we talked about in the private meetings were confidential and that we didn't have to worry about them being "mentioned from the pulpit.”  Yet, these things somehow kept finding their way into everything that was taught and preached from then on in a completely inverted, dishonest way.  Nobody absolutely knew he was talking about us (except for those who had been in the meetings) but these lessons and messages were both defensive and condemning in spirit with the result being a feeling of either a spirit of confusion (for those who had no idea) or condemnation (for those at whom the messages were directed).  We now understand that this was intentional in order to cast doubt about us in the minds of the listeners once it became known of whom he was speaking.

    

We began to dread going to church.  Throughout the week, we'd pray and become optimistic, ready to see God work in church as he had been working in our lives.  We would arrive with hope soaring that our prayers for reconciliation and restoration would at last be answered, only to leave more battered and bruised and grieved than before.  This went on for more than two months.  

    

Although several people disagreed with it, we let our kids know how we were praying.  We were praying for reconciliation and that through this, the faith of our family would be greatly strengthened.  Since they were being directly affected one way or another by what transpired, we felt it only fair to be open and honest with them about what was going on.  It was a source of great spiritual struggle to our oldest son especially, but we have no regrets.  His struggle would have been greater had we concealed anything from him.  He not only had the right to know, he needed to know.  We cherished his input and perspective as we did that of all of our children.  We did not want any of them to think that this was normal or ok.  We did not want them to believe that good, spiritual Christians quietly and with shame endure that which they know is not only unacceptable, but needs to be spoken out against.  We have taught them from a young age that if someone is doing wrong, it is our duty to stand up for what is right, even if we find ourselves standing alone.  As painful as it was, this was our opportunity to lead by example.   

{We still haven't ceased to praise God that we were NOT alone!  As time went on it came out in various meetings in the pastor's office that there were several families who had been coming to him about similar things.  He thought we had been talking about it amongst ourselves and conspiring together.  In reality, in our efforts to handle things in the wisest way we knew how, we each had deliberately avoided speaking of it to others.  If the problem(s) had been fixed, there never would have been a need to talk about them with these families, but once it became obvious that things were only getting worse, what a tremendous comfort and gift from God it was to know we were not alone in our concern and heartache.}

    

December 22, 2013:  after many tears, fasting, prayer and counsel from many different men in the ministry, we did the unthinkable…   We left our church.

Broken ~

We. were. shattered.  Nights consisted of more tears than sleep, and questions flooded our minds as we tried to figure out what God was doing, how to pick up the pieces, and most importantly where we were supposed to go from there. For me personally, 1 Peter chapter 4 became so very precious at this time.  I read it, and read it, and read it again, each time gleaning more strength, encouragement, and insight into not only who God is, but what He was doing, and I was able to praise Him for His sovereignty.  He saw me where I was, He loved me passionately still,  He assured me that He was my defense and that the rejection that I faced and felt in no way mirrored or altered how He saw me.  He even went so far as to give me glimpses into the beauty of His work in progress, as often as I needed.  

   

Did I still struggle with resentment, anger, and bitterness?  YES.  I still do, occasionally.  I can easily say I experienced the entire gamut of emotions throughout, from thanksgiving for no longer having to endure the lies and betrayal one moment to utter anguish at the senseless, incomprehensible loss of such cherished people and friendships the next.  There was one thing that God reminded me of again and again that has helped me overcome my negative thoughts and feelings.  I could say those emotions were directed at the people who hurt me all I wanted, but the truth I knew in my heart was that they were really directed toward Him.  

Oh, how it broke me when I realized I was laying the same undo blame on Him that had been lain on us.  He had allowed it.  I had to accept that.  All He was asking of me was to praise and trust Him in spite of how I felt about it.  I had to choose to believe that He is good, and that He doesn't make a mistake ~ not even one ~ and that, yes, He is Sovereign ~ even over the mistakes of others that caused me suffering ~ and He is able to make all things turn out for His good and glory.  

We had never left a church on negative terms, never thought we would, and pray it never happens again.  It has been the most agonizing, confusing mess we have ever experienced.  It's hard to explain to others what happened to us when we have had all these many months to absorb and process it all, and it still doesn't make sense.

The first thing we want to do is defend those we love, and try to think of reasons or excuses for why they do the things they do. While what motivates that is commendable, it isn't love.  Sin is to be condemned and confessed, never condoned and covered.  Love always does what is best for the other person, even if it has the potential to hurt.  

Proverbs 17:9 says, "He that covereth a transgression seeketh love ..." and 1 Peter 4:8 says, "...charity shall cover a multitude of sins."  These verses are often used by abusive leadership to keep people from speaking out against wrong.   The word "transgression" and "sins" in these contexts are referring to an infringement on the personal rights or boundaries of others.  But when people sin or transgress against God, over and over with no sorrow, repentance, or admission of wrongdoing, the Bible admonishes us to rebuke and reprove that person, regardless of their position in the church.  God is not a respecter of persons. Never does He condone keeping sin covered that has not been confessed. Luke 17:3 says, "Take heed to yourselves:  If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him." (emphasis mine)

"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper; but he that confesseth and forsaketh them shall find mercy."  ~Proverbs 28:13

    

"I agree with Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, who say, 'We must have the courage to follow Christ's example and overturn the system, be it a marriage or an organization, if that system is wrong. Silent submission in the face of violence, dishonesty and abuse will only enable that abuse to be passed on to generations.'"15  Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience 

    

So He challenges us, stretches our faith, growing and strengthening it in the process, through trial, tribulation, hardship, and yes, even slander and betrayal.  But we long to spare others the heartbreak we have seen.  Most of all we want to help them break free from the bondage we have unknowingly experienced and been delivered from, through Christ's goodness and grace alone.

Spiritual Abuse ~

There is a very real need to expose some misconceptions about what spiritual abuse is, and how and why to leave a church.  Several excellent books are available that cover this subject in-depth, so I will be referencing them briefly throughout to keep things simple here, but I urge you to get these books and read them in their entirety to get the complete, comprehensive picture.  

Ken Blue in his book "Healing Spiritual Abuse" defines it best:

"Unlike physical abuse that often results in bruised bodies, spiritual and pastoral abuse leaves scars on the psyche and soul. It is inflicted by persons who are accorded respect and honor in our society by virtue of their role as religious leaders and models of spiritual authority. They base that authority on the Bible, the Word of God, and see themselves as shepherds with a sacred trust. But when they violate that trust, when they abuse their authority and when they misuse ecclesiastical power to control and manipulate the flock, the results can be catastrophic.3 

“… Spiritual abusers are curiously naive about the effects of their exploitation. They rarely intend to hurt their victims. They are usually so narcissistic or so focused on some great thing they are doing for God that they don't notice the wounds they are inflicting on their followers.

"Mere thoughtlessness, rudeness and arrogance among those in church leadership are not my concern in this book. If everything church leaders do wrong is called spiritual abuse, the issue is trivialized. I want to discourage the superficial labeling of too many pastors as spiritual abusers. Let's deal responsibly with the real problem and not turn our concern with spiritual abuse into the Salem witch hunt of our time. Given these cautions, we must still be discerning. Some very pleasant and socially acceptable behavior is nevertheless calculated to manipulate and so is abusive. 

"In light of the serious trauma caused by heavy-handed abusers, such subtle manipulation may seem quite minor. It is significant, however, because it is a violation of trust. When a leader pretends to be a friend and uses this illusion to dehumanize and manipulate his followers, he is acting abusively." ~Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience

    

We first began to realize we were in a spiritually abusive situation when we started seeing a pattern of lies.  At first it was subtle yet obvious exaggerations here and there over things that didn't seem to matter.  But over time they became full-blown lies.  One small example was comments from the pulpit on how many church members we had, when just a cursory glance around the auditorium during any given service would show less than half that number.  When we brought up that his credibility was weakened by such exaggerations, instead of humbly recognizing that there was even the remotest possibility that we might have a legitimate concern, he doubled down and typed out a list of all the "members."  Copies were then handed out before the services to "prove" he wasn't exaggerating with strong exhortations on being sure to pray for everyone listed.  After serving faithfully at that church for more than four years we didn't recognize about one-third of the names on that list, and several others that we did recognize hadn't attended in so long we hadn't even realized they had ever been members.  The exaggerations and absurd misrepresentations of reality affronted normal common sense continually.

    

It's so easy to excuse it away with thoughts like, well, that's just how he sees it.  He's not really lying.  But a classic symptom of sin is a warped perception of reality.  When we sin repeatedly it affects the brain in such a way that it makes our thinking all wrong.  If not confessed and forsaken, this leads to strong delusions and people actually believe their own lies to be true. God refers to this phenomenon in  2 Thes. 2:10b-12a "... because they received not the love of the truth that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion that they should believe a lie:  that they all might be damned who believed not the truth ..."  This scripture is specifically referring to salvation, but the principle applies.

A few weeks after we left the church the pastor made a hospital visit to a young couple who had just had their first baby.  He took the opportunity on this otherwise happy occasion to confide to members of their family that one of the reasons we left had to do with them.  He said a contributing factor to our leaving was that we thought he had not handled sin in the life of a member of their family properly.  Later that day I received a phone call asking me if this was true.  Our leaving had absolutely nothing to do with other members of the church.  We love these people, and our only concern was to love them well through such a difficult time.  How the pastor chose to handle things was between him, them, and God.  

We had no way of knowing then that this was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  It’s been over a year since we left that church and as recently as three weeks ago we were still hearing of new lies that have been told about us.  Someone was told that the reason I had to leave Sunday School early on occasion was because I needed my “coffee fix.”  The truth is that my husband has blood sugar issues.  Due to getting to the church early he often didn’t have time to eat breakfast so I would have to grab him a quick snack before the morning service.  Not once did the pastor ever ask me why I had to leave.  I would have been happy to tell him.  Oh, and for the record, I don’t even like coffee.  

Abusive pastors cover their own sins and that of their family's, but most are quick to make sure everyone else is admonished from the pulpit and coerced to go forward and repent.   Ministries are taken away from lay people who don't represent the church or pastor well, but if the pastor's family does something wrong, very rarely are ministries taken away, nor does any public form of repentance or change take place.   I've even seen ministry responsibilities increased in such cases.   Church discipline is Biblical and necessary, but abusive pastors seem to think that they and their families are above it.  

Another very common form of pastoral abuse and control is the misuse of funds.  How many of us can attest to having been in churches who use sacrificially given, designated funds for things other than that for which they were designated?  An example is funds sacrificially given to missions being used as a slush fund for the abusive pastor’s pet projects or plans.  This promotes a lack of transparency and is disrespectful to the giver, in much the same manner as the government saying they know better what's best for our children than we do.  

Unbiblical Church Government ~

Church government has become as corrupt as civil government in many of the same ways that most pastors preach against in the pulpit.  The Declaration of Independence states our government is "of the people, by the people, for the people" and that those in elected positions are to represent the will of the people.  Instead those in elected positions disregard the will of the people, and further their own agenda through whatever means and corruption necessary.  

The same is happening in churches all across America.  Abusive pastors push their authority onto the  people, and say that any disagreement is dangerous in that it "touches the Lord's anointed."  The problem with this is that David is referring to Saul who was a KING in that verse.   Be sure to read your church's constitution carefully.  Many are worded in such a way as to protect these pastors from accountability and removal from their positions,  and sets the members up for censure if they challenge the pastor.  Some of these men are very good business men.  They have gifts of administration that they use to grow their churches, and it looks like God is blessing, but it's only skin deep.  Underneath the numbers is a pattern of deceit, manipulation, corruption, and control.  

A dear friend wrote this to us shortly after we left the church and I think it's important to include here.  It is succinct and powerful, and seeing someone so far removed from the situation have such complete understanding of all we were experiencing was a comfort and blessing:  

Hi Sherri,

Thanks for sharing your story. believe it or not, it reads like a script of many conversations I have had with friends across America over the last few months. The stories we have heard of what I now call, "abusive pastors" is happening at an alarming rate.

Something has happened in out Independent Baptist Churches over the last couple of decades. I am going to write on it sometime, but will give you a few thoughts here.

1. The church has ceased to be a body, and has become an organization running around a pastor. Pastors have been taught that the church is THEIRS. The vision is theirs, the direction of the church is theirs, the emphasis is theirs, the pulpit is theirs, all decision are theirs. They have effectively become a New Testament version of a priest. Baptist churches have historically been congregational. A functioning body where each part is special and important. But today we have one-man-shows. The pastors need people so that their vision for their ministry can be fulfilled. The fact that voting against or questioning a decision of the pastor makes you "disloyal" shows that the churches are not allowed to function as a body. All voting is simply rubber stamping the pastor's decision.

2. The pastors are insecure. Because pastors have been taught that they are supposed to have all the answers, ideas, vision etc., they are threatened by any good men (or women). They see any different view or idea as a threat since it exposes the truth that they actually don't have all the answers. After all, they are the "man of God," nobody else!

3. The pastors do not study. The sermons and messages preached are basically a repeat of the same basic things they have always said. People are going to church because it is the right thing to do, but if you asked the average church member, they are starving for good, thought provoking, fresh, spirit-filled, enlightening, challenging messages. Pastors are good at making snazzy, alliterated, 3-point sermons, but are not getting to the holy of holies having insight burned into their hearts by the Holy Spirit of God. When pastors feed the sheep, the sheep grow, get wisdom, mature, become leaders and wise. When pastors are not feeding the sheep, the sheep wander and the pastors are forced to try to "control" the sheep. Pastors control sheep by "telling" them what to do, and making them feel guilty and ashamed when they don't obey. Pastors get insecure when "their" sheep start to wander. So instead of looking at how green the pasture and how still the water, they go to building fences and punishing the wandering sheep. I am convinced that when a pastor spends his life in study and prayer and thoroughly "feeds" the sheep, the sheep will be under the control of the Spirit. Man-made control is a substitute for the Holy Spirit.

4. Pastors have a buddy system. Our generation of Pastors has lead this idea that you basically follow the "man of God" without question. Unless he is committing adultery or preaching a clearly false doctrine, we are told to follow. Pastors have put themselves into a situation where they are accountable to nobody. But they, in fact, are accountable to the church. 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 outline what we call "qualifications" of a Bishop. I believe that list is the boundaries in which a pastor must conduct himself. It is how a congregation is to measure whether a man is suitable to enter and remain in the ministry. Being a pastor is a privilege, not a right. It is not a throne to defend but a service to be dedicated to. However, the buddy system establishes men into an unrebukable position. We have been taught to "leave quietly" if we cannot submit and obey. So really, the pastors who teach this in each other's pulpits, have helped to ensure that none of them ever lose their jobs. A pastor would rather lose families and income in the short term to retain his unconditional power and authority.

5. Pastors blame the congregation. It's not that there is never fault with the members or people, but the first place a pastor should check if the sheep are wandering is THE SHEPHERD. Something interesting about sheep is that they love the voice and love to follow the shepherd. If they are wandering, the shepherd must look first at himself. To say visitors don't stay because my members are not friendly. I would say, why aren't they friendly? Is there a spiritual need in the church that I have failed to teach and address? Why is there a negative spirit amongst the sheep? Don't blame, intercede. Teach and love those sheep.

Just know we are in prayer for you. Don't feel guilty, bad, or ashamed. No man is your lord. Just love the Lord, stay tender to Him, ask for His guidance and see the door He will open for you. 

Kory Mears, Missionary to the Fiji Islands  

(Please note, Bro. Mears has not read or endorsed this article, but has graciously allowed us to include his letter. All we can say, is "Amen, Amen, and Amen!”)

On Leaving “Quietly” ~

There is nothing "quiet" about Matthew 18:15-17,  

"Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone:  if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church:  but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican." 

I particularly like the "that every word may be established" part.  Hindsight is 20/20, but in our case, a recording of each and every meeting would not have been out of line.  However, we naively went into each meeting in good faith that everyone would at least be truthful.   

Never assume that people are above stooping to lying, regardless of their position in the church.  Trust me, it happens.  Even pastors can lie, and some do.  And a classic maneuver of liars is to accuse the accuser of lying (or worse) in an attempt to divert attention away from themselves.  Abusers have an uncanny knack for blaming the victim for the abuse and using their emotional response to further control and manipulate.

"Unspoken or Unwritten Rules” ~

This also brings up a little known, but pervasive idea within churches; unwritten rules.  A major one being the "don't talk rule."  The tricky thing about unwritten rules is that the only way to discover them is to break them.  

With the "don't talk rule,” if you speak of a problem, you are the problem.  You will hear things like, "Things will be fine or fix themselves if you just go on quietly about your business and pray about your concerns.  Let God take care of it in His own time.  Talking about problems just makes them worse."  

Things have a tendency to get turned upside down when everything is not on the up and up.   

Talking about problems exposes them, it doesn't cause them.  It is common knowledge that communication is vital to the resolution of problems and reconciliation.  It's one of the main reasons God gave us the capacity to speak.

Here is a good example of the lunacy of faulty logic to the contrary,

"Who is the evildoer in an abusive marriage— the husband who is abusive, or the wife who exposes a crime? It is not “evil” for the wife to expose a crime. It would be wrong to keep quiet and stay, or leave the relationship and say nothing."*

Not talking prolongs and enables abuse, the victims continue to be victimized and in the case of churches, the number of victims multiply. 

  

Another funny thing about the "don't talk rule" is that it seems to apply to everyone except church staff.  Before you know it, as they tell it, the perpetrators have become the victims and the victims the perpetrators.  While it can happen, rarely does abuse occur from the bottom up.  It is almost always instigated by those in leadership positions, on down.  

When questions and concerns began to arise we prayed about them without saying anything for a long time (too long) because of this faulty understanding.  When we finally did go to the pastor, he danced around the issue and eventually said, "You are the problem."  

For example, in one of the many meetings described earlier,  we asked if there was anything else we could do in addition to our regular ministries to help lighten his load.  We brought up the fact that we were concerned he didn't have the time needed to devote to the preparation of messages because of other pressing church work he was always busy doing, and from our perspective the messages were beginning to sound repetitive.  We also told him that as a result we didn't feel we were being fed by the messages, and that we knew others had expressed feeling the same, and we thought he should know.   He had been through a lot earlier that year. We genuinely, sincerely just wanted to help.   

His response was that if we weren't being fed it was because we weren't faithful enough to the services, and we chose not to listen to the cd's provided for the sermons that were missed while doing our regular ministries.  As a result of my husband simply asking him to be open to feedback about his sermons, after we left the church he took it upon himself to tell the church people that my husband had tried to tell him what and what not to preach.  

Only after several more meetings which were a series of incredulous denials, with a complete and total lack of humility to consider that what we were saying might be true, did we go to others with our confusion and concern. 

The apostles were also persecuted by those in authority and that authority imposed a "don't talk rule" on them.  This is their response:

Acts 4:17-20 and 23,  "But that it spread no further among the people, let us straightly threaten them, that they speak henceforth to no man in this name.   And they called them, and commanded them not to speak at all nor teach in the name of Jesus.  But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye.  For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard ... And being let go, they went to their own company, and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said unto them."  

They not only went to their companions and told them what the abusive authority had said, they prayed for boldness to speak more truth, and this is what is referred to later in the chapter when they said that it is better to obey God rather than man.  

They could not "but speak the things which [they] had seen and heard."  This phrase refers to what Jesus taught and lived specifically, but its application is broad.  That was us.  How anyone stays silent in the face of gross dishonesty and injustice is inconceivable to us.  This brings up what I like to call "gossip-mongering."

Gossip-Mongering ~

Gossip by definition is "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true."

Can gossip be a problem in churches?  Absolutely.  

But it is not gossip to go to people and tell them what you have experienced.  (In fact, I encourage you to go to people who love and understand you, and tell them everything.  It will help you process what has happened, and has been proven to be vital to healing.  We all need that safe place where unconditional love is fostered and a mutual support system is cultivated.  Ideally, this would describe the church.) 

It would be gossip to talk about something that has happened to others in a judgmental, poor them, I would have done it differently, I'm better than they are sort of way, but when you are talking from firsthand experience of things that were said and done to you personally as matters of fact, that is not gossip.  That is bearing witness to that which you have seen and heard.  That is not only not condemned in the Bible, rather it is encouraged.  If it were not, a good portion of the Scriptures themselves never would have been written.  To say that the apostles or Paul were "gossiping" when they called people out by name in public or in letters, or that David was gossiping by telling Jonathan and his other companions of the persecutions of Saul, would be equally ridiculous.  

Abusive pastors will say that we have no business saying the things we are in so public a forum, whether we speak truth or not.  And yet these same pastors make jokes, gossip, and share articles that are anything but kind, caring and loving about specific people with whom they disagree, and most of these articles are written by other well-known pastors.  In order to divert attention away from themselves or problems when they are called out on these things they often blame the devil, saying that people are being used of him to attack them or their church.  

"Unless God's people are willing to speak out against error there is no means of stemming the tide of compromise.  No preacher is above being reproved for his error.  Paul rebuked Peter [his elder] publicly when he committed hypocrisy and was influencing others in a path that was compromising the gospel.  (Gal. 2)"  ~David W. Cloud

After we left the church, my husband and I agreed that it would only be considerate to call those closest to us just to let them know that we were leaving.  We know what it is like for people to leave without a word of explanation, and we believed that they deserved to be told, and at the very least offered an explanation if they desired one.  We did not tell people why we left unless they specifically asked to know, and even then we were as kind and straightforward and brief as possible, stating that pastor had been dishonest, had lost our trust, and we believed had disqualified himself from being a pastor as a result.   Some said they'd rather not know, and we fully respected that.  Every last person that we talked to was compassionate, completely understanding, and supportive of us.   The support we received when we expected none was such a gift! 

As time went on, I realized I had the time to miss these friends,  and felt their absence in my life acutely.  I decided to be more intentional about cultivating those friendships.  We had all been kept so busy with ministries we rarely got the opportunity to fellowship beyond brief hellos and goodbyes in passing at church.    So, with my husband's blessing I asked some ladies out to lunch.  When others heard about it they asked if they could come along.  They were, of course, warmly welcomed.  

The intention of those lunches was not to discuss the church.  In fact, my husband and I agreed I wouldn't speak of it at all unless they brought it up.  In hindsight, it was naive to think that it wouldn't be the main topic of conversation.  They wanted to know what had happened, and I wanted to tell them.   We were friends.  That's what friends do.  They share their lives, especially the big and vital parts that involve each other.  But at the time we were still under the influence of the abusive system and believed the pervasive lies about the necessity for silence.  

Communication is said to be the key to relationship.  Honesty and trust are vital as well.  Talking with those ladies ended up being the first baby step in my healing, and I walked away from each instance feeling so refreshed and encouraged and loved by them.  I never dreamed someone would take something that I saw as so beautiful and blessed, and turn it into something so foul.  

But they did.

Around that same time, which was about three months after we left, the pastor suddenly decided to hold a business meeting in which he paraded the whole counsel of men up in front of the church.  They publicly stated that we had no Biblical reason for leaving, that we were not "right with God", that when we left we decided to tell people why using "false information" and "lies", and further, that one person in particular (me) had been going around spreading lies and gossiping about the church under the guise of "prayer requests" and inviting ladies out to lunch specifically for that purpose.  All of which was nothing but lies, slander, and gossip. (How do I know all this was said?  The meeting was recorded.  We are thankful that at least this meeting was recorded.  That way, there could be no denials about what was said.)

This pained our hearts greatly.  Most who spoke about us in that meeting had not the slightest clue what had happened.   Based on the misinformation and lies the pastor had manufactured, I can only imagine the stories they were all told.  The most hurtful thing was that those who did know some of what transpired still stood there, whole heartedly agreeing with the pastor  - defending him, and defaming us.  The common theme was loyalty and unity, rallying around the pastor to protect him and the church from those who were “attacking” them.  

It was also stated, that while the leadership of the church couldn't tell the church members who and who not to associate with, they were strongly cautioned not to listen to people who left "for the wrong reasons" because it would pull them down.  They were also reminded and admonished to back their pastor, and follow his leadership ... and authority.  Again with no conclusive reasons given for doing so other than that the counsel of men believed him to be innocent, and because he was "the pastor.”

I realize that for most of you reading this, in your mind, it is just our word against theirs: nevertheless, this was their opportunity to tell their side of the story and they chose instead to use it to tell ours for us.  We were not invited to this meeting which was, for all intents and purposes, about us.  Would we have gone?  No.  From previous months of experience, we knew we would not be given the opportunity to state our side or in any way defend ourselves.  In this business meeting we were accused of "malicious lies and accusations," but no specifics were ever given to the people of the church.  Pray tell, how are people supposed to make an educated, unbiased decision without any facts?  Even the worst of politicians know better, but I digress...

In fact, in the private meeting with the pastor in which our ministries were taken away, the pastor asked us what we would like him to tell people who asked why we were no longer doing our ministries.  We told him to tell them the truth ~ that he was unsure of our loyalty and motives and until he was assured of both we wouldn't be doing our ministries.  He said that he would rather just tell people that we needed a break from our ministries from burnout like he had told people the previous year when it had been true.   Our response was that he could say that if he wanted to, but that it would be A LIE.  He apparently had no problem with that because that's exactly what he did.  We should have known.  

The following verses were used in the public meeting.  This is the height of hypocrisy and abuse:

Exodus 23:1-2  "Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.  Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil; neither shalt thou speak in a cause to decline after many to wrest judgment:" 

Proverbs 16:27 "An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire." 

Romans 16:17-18  "Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.  For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple."

The pastor was said to have offered apologies that were not accepted and to have tried repeatedly to contact those of us who left, with no answer.  The only apologies ever offered to us were half-hearted ones beginning with “I’m sorry if you…” and an apology for “a perceived offense”. We were contacted one time after we left on January 7th via text message asking for one last meeting to try to get things straightened out, to which my husband answered and agreed.  We never failed to respond to any outreach on his part.

All that was "proven" in that business meeting was that gossip and speaking out publicly are only okay for the church-leadership. They gave a false report with no evidence to support what they were saying against us, or in their own favor, whatsoever.  

Gossip-mongering is just another form of manipulation, abuse, and control often employed to protect abusive leadership.

For us, hearing these men's hearts was freeing.  It was final confirmation that we did the right thing.  The knowledge that God knows and sees all was never more a comfort to my heart.

In speaking out in such detail about our experience, my heart’s desire is that it might be the permission, freedom, and encouragement others need to tell their own stories.  Especially pastors who may be fearful of speaking out against their brothers in Christ who need loving rebuke and correction. But most importantly that pastors in general will see the need to break the cycle of abuse, corruption, and sweeping sin under the rug on all levels.  Only then can their energy be refocused on devotedly uplifting Christ and His people instead of perpetual damage control.   

"Power Posturing" ~

Jesus himself held no title and claimed no authority while he was on earth, yet everyone that heard Him speak recognized His authority because of their undeniable recognition of truth.  Genuine authority comes only with scrupulous truth and must be earned, never demanded.  Much of today's church leadership have no genuine, God-given authority, therefore they have to posture that authority.  They typically do this by saying things like "because I'm the Pastor" or that because of their position they are endowed more wisdom than the people under their "authority".  They also fear their lack of authority being exposed so much that they will tell people not to listen to or read or give heed to anything negative that is said about the Pastor or the church, even going so far as to get them to take offense for him because "they are the church and he is their Pastor."  This is a classic case of insecurity and manipulation at work, for if any other entity were to tell you not to speak or hear, would it not be considered repression, oppression, or even persecution? Why is it any different in the church?

When a pastor succeeds at getting the people to take up an offense on his behalf, "YOU" become the problem over and over again as the lies filter down from the leadership to the people. "You didn't wait long enough for things to change. You need to pray more. You need to have more faith. You are quitting. You need to change you. You must be guilty. If you've done nothing wrong, why leave?" I believe this is the result of fear. While all of these things may be true to an extent, when we were going through it they were not. We were on our faces before God day and night searching our hearts, trusting God, begging Him for answers, and our prayer was for Him to change us.  Sometimes God's answer to all the faith and prayer and perseverance and "doing" we can muster on our part is something other than what we have in mind.  It's flattering to think we have the potential to have that much control over situations beyond our control, but it is simply not true.  Unknowingly, the people then perpetuate the abuse.  

What if leaving is God's means of  delivering us from evil?  That never seems to occur to anyone as even a possibility.  But as incomprehensible as it is for those from within to think of stepping out from under that wrongly perceived "umbrella of authority" it is exceedingly more ludicrous to STAY from the outside looking IN~  

I've heard the comment several times this past year, "Our church isn't for everyone."  That's a shame.  Last I knew God's church was for everyone.  I can't imagine Jesus saying that or encouraging anyone to say that about His Church.  The Bible says over and over again whosoever will may come, and I've never known Him to turn or chase or encourage anyone away.  If I felt it necessary to say that about my church I would have to ask some serious questions as to why that were true.  

I will be providing a list of reasons why we left to anyone who wishes to see it, but to directly counter the accusation that we left "for no Biblical reason" let me leave you with this single verse:  

"I wrote unto the church: but Diotrephes, who loveth to have the preeminence among them, receiveth us not.  Wherefore, if I come, I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words: and not content therewith, neither doth he himself receive the brethren, and forbiddeth them that would, and casteth them out of the church."  3 John 9-10

On Unity and Disloyalty ~

"The next characteristic of spiritually abusive systems is that a misplaced sense of loyalty is fostered and even demanded. We’re not talking about loyalty to Christ, but about loyalty to a given organization, church, or leader. Once again, because authority is assumed or legislated (and therefore not real), following must be legislated as well.  Questioning leaders is equal to questioning God.  After all, the leader is the authority, and authority is always right. This causes people to misplace their loyalty in a leader, a church, or an organization. Once again, this makes the wall around the system thicker and makes it more difficult to leave."  Johnson, David; VanVonderen, Jeff (2005-10-01). The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church  

Whenever problems start rearing their ugly heads in churches one of the most predictable results are sermons on the topic of unity.  These often include sub points warning of the evils of gossip and criticism, especially of the church staff.  One Pastor we know of would go so far as to say that if anything negative was said about him or any of his staff that the people were not to listen to it unless they had two eye witnesses and physical proof.  On the surface this seems right.  The only problem is, if no one hears of problems there is no chance of them being solved.  Or, perhaps, that's the point.  

"Another abusive result of the 'don't talk' rule is that when people from inside the group finally break the silence and begin to talk about the group's problems, they are persecuted. They are told that everything was just fine until they started causing trouble. (Incestuous families react in exactly this way toward the first daughter to blow the whistle on her father and her family)  

If the whistle-blowers reveal the group's problems to the outside world, the group will mobilize to discredit them. Sometimes trumped-up countercharges are aired, but most often the troublemakers' mental and emotional state is brought into question. Almost never are the actual issues raised ever admitted, let alone dealt with. The real problems are not acknowledged; instead, the whistle-blowers themselves become the problem. Thus honest examination is averted and denial maintained.  

A shallow appeal to unity is a common ploy of abusive groups. It often works, however, because no one wants to be accused of bringing disunity in the church. We all long for unity in the body of Christ. Even the angels long for it. But as Gene Edwards says, 'Beware of the leader bearing an inordinate dose of unity.'3  Abusive leaders often appeal for unity in order to protect themselves from critical examination. A survivor of an abusive group put it this way:  'I am tired. Tired of being bullied and seeing others bullied and persecuted all in the name of unity. I'm tired of representing an organization that has such frail faith in itself that it can tolerate no dissension in its ranks, not one bit of constructive criticism of the policies forced upon Christians by a dictatorial group of men.'4  ~Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience  

We've also noticed the strange phenomenon of pastors of other churches backing up pastors who have been called out for sin and defending the abuse, even going so far as preaching hard about unquestioningly following the pastor in each other's pulpits in these instances, in an "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" way of showing solidarity.  It seems to be an unspoken understanding that unless a pastor has been immoral (and even sometimes then) he is above reproof, and the issue at hand isn't worth bothering about.  

When we left our church we posted this on Facebook to let our brothers and sisters in Christ know:  

"After much prayer, heartache, and counsel from many other pastors the Lord has shown us that we can no longer attend (church name).  It has nothing to do with other members.  We just want out church family to know that we love you all more than ever, and we are praying for you!"

My inbox was flooded with messages of gratitude and support for letting everyone know and not just disappearing.  But, of course, there were also the naysayers, and every last one of them was a pastor or missionary.  

A pastor from a different part of the country contacted us wanting to know what our former pastor had done, specifically asking if he had been immoral.  We told him that he wasn't immoral that we know of, but that he was dishonest, and we were praying to have a humble, right response.  Our concerns were soundly dismissed and we were reprimanded for the Facebook post telling us that it wasn't a humble, right response, and that he agreed with a missionary who had disagreed in the comments concerning posting it publicly in an "open letter format" saying it was designed to create doubt in the minds of others about the pastor.  The missionary never once asked for details.  I don't recall either of these men ever responding to any other Facebook posts of ours previously or since.  After dressing us down they proceeded to go on about God blessing our former pastor's ministry and stating their unwavering love and support of him.  If that was their response to that, I imagine nothing short of crucifixion will do after reading this.

Immediately thereafter our previous pastor distributed copies of a sermon preached by another very abusive pastor to the people of the church in order to drum up loyalty.  In it, he berated those that exposed problems in churches using no Scripture for the entire message save for 1 John 2:19, "They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us.”  (This verse is talking of people who are not saved.) 

The pastor that preached this message had a son who was found to have been sexually involved with various women in the church building while his father was still pastor.  When this pastor was later removed, it was also discovered that large sums of money had disappeared.  This same pastor was also recently considered as a replacement for Jack Schaap after he was tried and convicted of molesting a teenager. The network of these abusive pastors is truly unbelievable.  

Often the texts of scripture they use in these unity sermons have nothing whatsoever to do with the guilt-trip they are putting upon people.  The "applications" are conveniently broad, and the illustrations predictably vague, causing an "Uh oh, somebody's in trouble.  Who dun' it?" response in the largely clueless listeners who, despite what the preacher seems to think, know nothing of which he speaks ... they hope, they think.  

These preachers are deliberately controlling and manipulating people into submission and subservience, and taking advantage of the tender-hearted ones who are looking for any way to serve the God they love by innocently going along with what they believe to be a message from God, when in reality it was nothing more than a motivational speech from a mere man with his own high-handed agenda.  This is called "grooming," and sets people up to continue finding themselves in abusive situations.  

"Peace and unity are important in the body of Christ. But experiencing true peace and unity does not mean pretending to get along or acting like we agree when we don’t. Verses [on unity] have been used to get people to act unified when they are not. The result is a 'can’t-talk' relationship system in which problems get swept under the carpet and leaders are not held accountable for their actions. Because the people are not really unified at all, dissension and strife grow through gossip and backstabbing.  

In order to protect peace and unity they have to already exist. It is not possible to preserve or maintain something that is not there. In a spiritually abusive system, people are taught how to counterfeit peace and unity. The irony is that what is actually maintained is a lack of peace and unity.   Conflict would be a sign of something wrong, and, according to the unspoken rules, there cannot be anything wrong."   Johnson, David; VanVonderen, Jeff (2005-10-01). The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church   

Unbiblical Pastoral Authority ~  

"To learn who rules over you simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."  ~Voltaire

When people know God for themselves they experience His unconditional love,  and taste of every good thing He is.  They then go to church only to experience something empty and fake, utterly devoid of what they know God to be, and they are hurt.  Deeply.  That hurt runs so deep because we expect "God's house" to be a place of safety where one can go for healing.  We also innocently extend trust to the pastor, as we should, and when that trust is betrayed the results are often so traumatizing they are nothing short of catastrophic.  I know people who have been manipulatively abused by pastors years and years ago who to this day still struggle with PTSD.  When we leave hurting instead of healed, as we expect, that trauma causes psychological, emotional, and even physical affects. 

With the hurt, disappointment and betrayal of this magnitude that go hand in hand with this kind of subtle, manipulative, but nevertheless very real abuse, people are often given trite, rote answers of turning the other cheek, being forgiving, more long-suffering, and other forms of verses taken out of context to make the abused feel guilty.  People will say it's a result of our "spiritual condition" or "spiritual maturity”. They also use the verse "Great peace have they which love thy law and nothing shall offend them" and say that we just must not love God's Word enough if we feel hurt.   They make it all about us, when in reality, it truly has very little, if anything at all, to do with us.  

While these concepts are true when taken in context, they are in no way implying that one should stay in an abusive situation.  Jesus was the meekest man who ever lived, but when it came down to seeing humble, broken, genuinely "poor in spirit" people being hounded and abused by the spiritual authorities of the day, namely the scribes and Pharisees, He defended them with heated vengeance, publicly calling the abusers out with names like vipers and hypocrites.  (See Matthew 23)

Jesus' meekness caused Him to know what these people suffered, and He felt their pain acutely.  Therefore, no one could empathize with what they felt like He could.  He was the hero they needed, rushing fearlessly and gloriously to their defense, immediately present to rescue and comfort them.  He is near to the broken hearted!  He is all that and more to each and every one of us.  He knows.  He sees.  

I never realized before really delving into this topic that verses on turning the other cheek were more for the benefit of the Pharisees than the people they oppressed because they believed themselves to be above being struck once, let alone twice.  It was unthinkable that one of their "subjects" should do such a thing to such a superior person as they.  

Is it not much the same today?  How often have you heard phrases like "touch not the Lord's anointed" used to say that you should unquestioningly, unreservedly, even blindly follow the pastor simply because he is the pastor, even if you disagree?  

Due to faulty teaching on pastoral authority people will often put the pastor in an elevated position, much like that of the priest in a Catholic church.  The priesthood of the believers is a gift that some unknowingly forfeit by going to the pastor for every little thing, instead of searching the Scriptures and seeking God's leadership for themselves.  Counsel has its place, but it is not to take the place of going directly to God, by faith trusting Him to lead.  Since God is no respecter of persons, no man is endowed a greater amount of wisdom or grace or any other gift of God due to his position in the church.  As one author so aptly put it, "one cannot wash another's feet from a pedestal."

Healthy leadership seeks to help those they are leading to see Jesus’ sufficiency in their lives for everything they need.  God wants His children to rely so wholeheartedly on Him that they run to Him for everything.  Instead of searching the Scriptures for themselves to see if the things they are being taught are true, many take what the pastor says as absolute truth.  Abusive leaders often “weed out” those who are strong in their beliefs because they have the discernment to call them out on inconsistencies, in their minds “threatening” their authority.  Thus the environment is ripe for the blind to lead the blind.

What Can I Do? ~

Know this:  We were chosen by God Himself to go through this trial.  It didn't take Him by surprise.  We are not victims, we are victors.  In fact, God says we are more than conquerors.  We can control the outcome by our reactions.  We do have a choice to stay or leave, to fight or flee.  We can make a difference!  In fact, we were meant to do so. 

What should be our response to persecution inside the church? Matthew 5:10-12 tells us.  It's the same as if it were coming from the outside. 

“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake:  for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad:  for great is your reward in heaven:  for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."

We must run to God, and not leave His presence until we feel His comforting arms around us.  He will calm and give clarity.  There is nothing like the comfort of His love! God calls us blessed.  It's one thing to have a person say we are blessed; what a privilege to be called blessed by God!  Not only that, He tells us to "rejoice, and be exceeding glad!" It's so easy to become bitter and resentful about the hard things God allows in our lives.

He knows what it is to be betrayed by a close friend.  He knows what it is to suffer for the choices and behavior of others, being innocent Himself.  He knows what it is to give Himself selflessly for others only to be rejected.   He knows and feels our pain.  He cries our tears before we do.  “For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.”  Hebrews 12:3

Take the time to grieve.  Healing takes time, and God will give us all the time we need.  Grieving is an unpredictable process.  You will face a barrage of feelings including denial, anger, uncertainty, and resentment.  Don't expect to just be able to go on with life like nothing happened.  It will catch up with you sooner or later.  God is especially near to the brokenhearted.  Do not be ashamed or afraid of the brokenness you feel.  When we don’t allow ourselves to feel and deal with our brokenness it leads to bitterness.  Brokenness allows God to shine through the broken places.  Bitterness causes us to shut down inside, shutting others out.  

Go to your companions and tell your story, and to the authorities if necessary.  Be honest.  Stay humble.  "God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." ~James 4:6b  We need God on our side fighting for us.  We cannot afford to put ourselves at odds with Him through pride.  It isn't worth it!   

One of the reasons spiritual abuse is so disturbing is it’s potential to ruin lives.  We felt so violated just from our experience.  I can't even begin to imagine how people who are physically or sexually abused must feel.  But other people and our feelings about a given situation do not define us.  Abusive people do not have the power to ruin our lives.   We do.  We alone hold that power.  We cannot control what anyone else does, but we get to decide our response.  We get to choose how our story ends!  We serve a God who makes all things new, and that God created us with the capacity to renew our minds.  We don't have to conform to what people expect us to be.  We answer to a Higher Power; One that has a good, and acceptable, and perfect plan in mind, and is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think!   

Once we have ourselves in order we can begin the next part of the healing process.  Verse 44 of Matthew chapter 5 says, "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."  

God has multiple lessons for us in the trials of life, but one of them is to be able to see ourselves as God sees us. We were chosen to walk through this, and He is there to meet our every need.  He sees the heart that desires integrity and has a willingness to take an uncompromising stand for what is right, and He wants to greatly use that person. The devil means it for evil, but God means it for good!   

But a pure heart that God can use is above all a forgiving one.  It's been said that an unforgiving spirit is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  But forgiveness is not a one-time thing.  I believe that is why later in Matthew 18 Jesus said to forgive not just seven times, but seventy times seven.  He knew that for some things, that’s about what it will take.  Even if an apology is never offered and our forgiveness is ever accepted, we must allow God to work forgiveness in us for our offenders, daily, even moment by moment if necessary.  The key to success in this is to keep our hearts and minds humble before God.  When my mind wanders back to all I have suffered, and I’m once again tempted to be indignant the Holy Spirit says, “What is that to thee?  Follow thou Me.” (John 21:22)

Forgiveness is to be freely given, however trust, especially once broken, must be earned.  This, too, takes time, but on the part of the offender.  If they have not acknowledged the offense and are not actively working to regain your trust, they do not yet deserve it.   Trust is not an entitlement to leadership.  It must always be earned.  

God is in the business of redemption.  No one is beyond His saving or restoring hand.  Where there is life there is hope.  I have been privileged to read of several reformed abusive pastors and their stories give me great hope!  Some of them are still in the ministry and God has done great things in their midst.  Others have felt it necessary to resign and serve God as lay people.  But each of them are still serving the Lord, they love Him more than ever, and God is doing great things through and around and in them.  I personally have given myself to praying for these abusive pastors.  The more I pray the more God gives me insight into His heart for them.  I fear for those who refuse to acknowledge their part in the plunder, but I also earnestly anticipate what God wants to do if only they will surrender and let Him.  Our part is to extend forgiveness, mercy, grace, and unconditional love, and allow God to work.  Conflict is an opportunity for grace to do its work so that both parties might be made more like Christ.  Hurt people hurt people.  We may have not actively caused the hurt, but if we’re not careful our response is often going to be to reciprocate hurt rather than grace, mercy and love.  My hope and prayer is to be reconciled to this pastor and church and to work alongside them once again, endeavoring to turn our community, our state, our country, even the world upside down for Christ.  What can I say?  I dream big.  It can happen!  

When we have a humble, grateful, right response, it opens up endless possibilities for God to work.

When we react out of fear, we stifle ourselves and thwart what God can do.

The Bible says, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”   (2 Timothy 1:7)

The definition of “church” is a called out assembly of believers.  We, you and I, are the church, so what the church looks like depends not upon what others do or don’t do, but upon what we do.  The buck stops with us.  Whether we like it or not we represent “the church” to all who know us.  Will they see advocates or accusers when it comes to our fellow fallen and wounded brethren?  There is no neutral ground.  We must all pick a side.  On the side of the advocate is power.  On the side of the accusers is only more fear.

This is a spiritual battle.  Others are not the enemy.  Satan is.  So many Christians, too many, having started out as good soldiers of Jesus Christ are now staggering under the barrage of friendly fire and being left behind with no will or strength to go on.  But there is a difference between being hurt and wounded.  God tells us to endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.  Many times in my life, this season included, I have had to carry on and do what needs to be done, hurt.  The hurt can still attend to the wounded.  Our experience has enabled us to empathize as few others can with their pain.  Advocating for and loving others well, including the ones who have hurt us, is the very best balm for a hurting heart.  We can come out on the other side, healed and stronger because we have God.  Never is it okay to stay hurt and wounded, keeping to ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves from further hurt.  That’s not what we’re here for and it isn’t why God allowed these experiences in our lives.  He is our Healer, and He is enough.  Where we go from here is determined by the extent of our faith in Him.  No one else can define or defend that faith for us.  

If you are still in an abusive church, pray and ask God for wisdom.  You have the option to stay and fight for what's right, but you also have the option to leave.  Don't be afraid of either.  God will enable and take care of you either way He leads.   Get your hands on as many good books on spiritual abuse as you can so you can see what has and has not worked for others, but recognize that nothing happens the same way twice.  Your story will be uniquely yours.  And, most importantly, seek counsel from spiritual leaders whom you respect.  "In the multitude of counselors there is safety." ~Proverbs 11:14b   

If you decide to leave or have already left, good for you.  That is such a hard thing, and takes a tremendous amount of courage! Be aware of not getting into another abusive church system, but do not fear it.  By faith ask the Lord to lead and guide you.  He will.  Just trust Him, even if it doesn't look like you thought it would.  Be careful not to go to extremes.   Not all churches and pastors in a given denomination are the same.  People in a Bible believing church somewhere need what you have to offer, and you need them, too.  Conversely, do not give in to the temptation to compromise your core beliefs just to be part of a church.  Know what you believe and why, and unashamedly but humbly stick to it.  Most importantly, be the change you want to see.  Chances are, God will make you a leader in your next church assembly.  Stay humble, and be willing to make things right immediately when (not if, when) you hurt others.  If you are hurt take care of it immediately with that person.  We cannot dictate or predict the responses of others, but we can choose to love them unconditionally even if they choose to reject reconciliation.  It happens.  Stay mindful of breaking the cycle of abuse.  

Tell your story!  Write it down.  Get the word out, if not for yourself, for those that only you have the power to influence and set free.  God may just want you to advocate for them as He has advocated for you.  I believe that is what God is calling me to.  That is why I have chosen to share my story. For you.  It would have been easier to keep silent.  So much easier.  But it would have been wrong.   If you need help to free yourself and heal from abuse of any kind, whether you are a victim or perpetrator or both, I am here for you.  You can email me at bothwellsj6@icloud.com or find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/sherri.bothwell to send a private message.  It would be my honor to help in any way I can.

Ken Blue in his book "Healing Spiritual Abuse" says, 

"I realized that the authoritarian, narcissistic ecclesiastical abusers of our day are the modern equivalent of the Pharisees whom Jesus scolded. Jesus not only exposed and denounced the Pharisees as false shepherds, but also offered himself as advocate for their victims. His teaching in Matthew 23 gives hope and instruction to all those hurt by pastoral abuse.  

Jesus did not resign himself to spiritual abuse. He stood up to it. He demanded change. Why should we do less?"  Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience 

Our Happy Ending ~

After we left the church, we immediately began having services in our home. We visited a few churches, but we just didn't have peace. We prayerfully considered them, but in the end God made it clear His answer was “no.”  

The pastor of one of these churches came to our house one evening to reach out and be a help to us in any way he could.  After he found out that we believed God was leading us to start a church, we were amazed that he actually encouraged us to endeavor to do so.  He extended such loving grace and understanding to us, and it was such a gift to be seen as what we really are: not enemies or competitors to their church, but fellow followers of Christ who have a heartfelt desire to work alongside them to see God work in the hearts and lives of the people of our community.  

We quickly outgrew our home, and in March of 2014 we rented a building in which to meet.  We decided to make it official and voted on a name.  In October of 2014, after fervently praying for a pastor, the church appointed my husband as Pastor of Bible Baptist Church of Fall Creek, WI. 

We never would have imagined all God had in store for us.  Many people still say it's not a "real" church because it was not sent out of another established ministry, but that's okay.  God knows otherwise.  Through the heartache, the tears, the grief, the pain, He carried us through and led us ever so gently along. He was there to comfort us with His unspeakable joy and glory all along the way. It was painful, but so worth it! The joy and spiritual freedom that we have found have been exactly what our hearts have been longing for, for years and years, and it's all the sweeter for the wait. God will take care of you, too, friend. He will!

That's my God! And I love Him.  

~(Josh and) Sherri Bothwell

A Statement from my Mom ~

~ I commented on a post about finances disagreeing with the way he chooses to use the hard earned offerings that people selflessly give. Instead of going back and forth for all to see, I sent a private message letting him know that what he does and how he chooses to handle situations are important to my husband and myself because our grandchildren attend that church. We backed our stand with plenty of Scripture, and instead of him responding to the subject at hand he tried to divert the attention to someone else that I agreed with on another post of his. He went on and on about her and her family. How she and her family don’t attend church, haven’t for many years and they certainly aren’t right with God (among many other things). There was absolutely no reason whatsoever for him to even mention her in this conversation, let alone go on and on about her. This is gossiping at it’s finest!

Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had gone to some men of the church and told them that he was being attacked by me. He said that I was a preacher hater and that I had formed a clique with a few families in the church trying to cause division. I barely knew the families that he named and certainly hadn’t communicated with any of them. He also lied about my husband saying that he was planning to attend a church service, interrupt it and cause trouble! Anyone who knows my husband knows that he would NOT do anything like this!

When we found out that he was lying about us I sent him a private message asking for his phone number so we could talk. He ignored me! I sent another message a couple weeks later. He still ignored me. My husband sent him a couple of messages, and yes, he ignored him, too! To this day he has not called nor sent us his number.

Preaching about going to your brother when there’s a problem and actually doing it are two entirely different things to him. After all, if he had a problem with us he should have talked to us instead of going to the men of the church and gossiping! Needless to say, he certainly doesn’t practice what he preaches. ~Judy Matthies

"The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and Falst Spiritual Authority Within the Church" by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen

"Healing Spiritual Abuse:  How To Break Free From Bad Church Experience" by Ken Blue

"Loving God When You Don't Love the Church:  Opening the Door to Healing" by Chris Jackson

"The Hyles Effect: A Spreading Blight" by David W. Cloud (Available in pdf format, but not well-written.)