What Can I Do? ~
Know this: We were chosen by God Himself to go through this trial. It didn't take Him by surprise. We are not victims, we are victors. In fact, God says we are more than conquerors. We can control the outcome by our reactions. We do have a choice to stay or leave, to fight or flee. We can make a difference! In fact, we were meant to do so.
“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."
We must run to God, and not leave His presence until we feel His comforting arms around us. He will calm and give clarity. There is nothing like the comfort of His love! God calls us blessed. It's one thing to have a person say we are blessed; what a privilege to be called blessed by God! Not only that, He tells us to "rejoice, and be exceeding glad!" It's so easy to become bitter and resentful about the hard things God allows in our lives.
He knows what it is to be betrayed by a close friend. He knows what it is to suffer for the choices and behavior of others, being innocent Himself. He knows what it is to give Himself selflessly for others only to be rejected. He knows and feels our pain. He cries our tears before we do. “For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.” Hebrews 12:3
Take the time to grieve. Healing takes time, and God will give us all the time we need. Grieving is an unpredictable process. You will face a barrage of feelings including denial, anger, uncertainty, and resentment. Don't expect to just be able to go on with life like nothing happened. It will catch up with you sooner or later. God is especially near to the brokenhearted. Do not be ashamed or afraid of the brokenness you feel. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel and deal with our brokenness it leads to bitterness. Brokenness allows God to shine through the broken places. Bitterness causes us to shut down inside, shutting others out.
Go to your companions and tell your story, and to the authorities if necessary. Be honest. Stay humble. "God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." ~James 4:6b We need God on our side fighting for us. We cannot afford to put ourselves at odds with Him through pride. It isn't worth it!
One of the reasons spiritual abuse is so disturbing is it’s potential to ruin lives. We felt so violated just from our experience. I can't even begin to imagine how people who are physically or sexually abused must feel. But other people and our feelings about a given situation do not define us. Abusive people do not have the power to ruin our lives. We do. We alone hold that power. We cannot control what anyone else does, but we get to decide our response. We get to choose how our story ends! We serve a God who makes all things new, and that God created us with the capacity to renew our minds. We don't have to conform to what people expect us to be. We answer to a Higher Power; One that has a good, and acceptable, and perfect plan in mind, and is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think!
But a pure heart that God can use is above all a forgiving one. It's been said that an unforgiving spirit is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But forgiveness is not a one-time thing. I believe that is why later in Matthew 18 Jesus said to forgive not just seven times, but seventy times seven. He knew that for some things, that’s about what it will take. Even if an apology is never offered and our forgiveness is ever accepted, we must allow God to work forgiveness in us for our offenders, daily, even moment by moment if necessary. The key to success in this is to keep our hearts and minds humble before God. When my mind wanders back to all I have suffered, and I’m once again tempted to be indignant the Holy Spirit says, “What is that to thee? Follow thou Me.” (John 21:22)
Forgiveness is to be freely given, however trust, especially once broken, must be earned. This, too, takes time, but on the part of the offender. If they have not acknowledged the offense and are not actively working to regain your trust, they do not yet deserve it. Trust is not an entitlement to leadership. It must always be earned.
God is in the business of redemption. No one is beyond His saving or restoring hand. Where there is life there is hope. I have been privileged to read of several reformed abusive pastors and their stories give me great hope! Some of them are still in the ministry and God has done great things in their midst. Others have felt it necessary to resign and serve God as lay people. But each of them are still serving the Lord, they love Him more than ever, and God is doing great things through and around and in them. I personally have given myself to praying for these abusive pastors. The more I pray the more God gives me insight into His heart for them. I fear for those who refuse to acknowledge their part in the plunder, but I also earnestly anticipate what God wants to do if only they will surrender and let Him. Our part is to extend forgiveness, mercy, grace, and unconditional love, and allow God to work. Conflict is an opportunity for grace to do its work so that both parties might be made more like Christ. Hurt people hurt people. We may have not actively caused the hurt, but if we’re not careful our response is often going to be to reciprocate hurt rather than grace, mercy and love. My hope and prayer is to be reconciled to this pastor and church and to work alongside them once again, endeavoring to turn our community, our state, our country, even the world upside down for Christ. What can I say? I dream big. It can happen!
When we have a humble, grateful, right response, it opens up endless possibilities for God to work.
When we react out of fear, we stifle ourselves and thwart what God can do.
The Bible says, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
The definition of “church” is a called out assembly of believers. We, you and I, are the church, so what the church looks like depends not upon what others do or don’t do, but upon what we do. The buck stops with us. Whether we like it or not we represent “the church” to all who know us. Will they see advocates or accusers when it comes to our fellow fallen and wounded brethren? There is no neutral ground. We must all pick a side. On the side of the advocate is power. On the side of the accusers is only more fear.
This is a spiritual battle. Others are not the enemy. Satan is. So many Christians, too many, having started out as good soldiers of Jesus Christ are now staggering under the barrage of friendly fire and being left behind with no will or strength to go on. But there is a difference between being hurt and wounded. God tells us to endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. Many times in my life, this season included, I have had to carry on and do what needs to be done, hurt. The hurt can still attend to the wounded. Our experience has enabled us to empathize as few others can with their pain. Advocating for and loving others well, including the ones who have hurt us, is the very best balm for a hurting heart. We can come out on the other side, healed and stronger because we have God. Never is it okay to stay hurt and wounded, keeping to ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves from further hurt. That’s not what we’re here for and it isn’t why God allowed these experiences in our lives. He is our Healer, and He is enough. Where we go from here is determined by the extent of our faith in Him. No one else can define or defend that faith for us.
If you decide to leave or have already left, good for you. That is such a hard thing, and takes a tremendous amount of courage! Be aware of not getting into another abusive church system, but do not fear it. By faith ask the Lord to lead and guide you. He will. Just trust Him, even if it doesn't look like you thought it would. Be careful not to go to extremes. Not all churches and pastors in a given denomination are the same. People in a Bible believing church somewhere need what you have to offer, and you need them, too. Conversely, do not give in to the temptation to compromise your core beliefs just to be part of a church. Know what you believe and why, and unashamedly but humbly stick to it. Most importantly, be the change you want to see. Chances are, God will make you a leader in your next church assembly. Stay humble, and be willing to make things right immediately when (not if, when) you hurt others. If you are hurt take care of it immediately with that person. We cannot dictate or predict the responses of others, but we can choose to love them unconditionally even if they choose to reject reconciliation. It happens. Stay mindful of breaking the cycle of abuse.
Tell your story! Write it down. Get the word out, if not for yourself, for those that only you have the power to influence and set free. God may just want you to advocate for them as He has advocated for you. I believe that is what God is calling me to. That is why I have chosen to share my story. For you. It would have been easier to keep silent. So much easier. But it would have been wrong. If you need help to free yourself and heal from abuse of any kind, whether you are a victim or perpetrator or both, I am here for you. You can email me at bothwellsj6@icloud.com or find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/sherri.bothwell to send a private message. It would be my honor to help in any way I can.
"I realized that the authoritarian, narcissistic ecclesiastical abusers of our day are the modern equivalent of the Pharisees whom Jesus scolded. Jesus not only exposed and denounced the Pharisees as false shepherds, but also offered himself as advocate for their victims. His teaching in Matthew 23 gives hope and instruction to all those hurt by pastoral abuse.
Jesus did not resign himself to spiritual abuse. He stood up to it. He demanded change. Why should we do less?" Ken Blue. Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experience
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