What Would I See...

...if I were on the outside of my life looking in? What advice would I give myself? How much more critically would I judge myself? What faults would I feel enough urgency about to actually change?

My Sunday School class has been all about living for others, and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. I love all the learning I'm getting from the necessity of teaching. I am not a teacher; I'm a talker. :) But Pastor felt that my gifts would be going to waste if I weren't doing teaching of some sort. It has been such a blessing, and so much fun!

One of the main lessons has been looking around for ways to be a blessing to others. That has really opened my eyes to some things. There are so many people with needs all around me. Everybody has a story, a difficulty, a burden to bear. But it has gotten me to thinking a lot lately about how others see me because of the way that I find myself seeing others.

Nobody likes a living martyr; somebody who is always looking for attention, or has a woe is me attitude. Someone who thinks, "Why do I have to do everything around here?" "Nobody cares how much I already have to do. They just keep on asking for more." How often does my family see me acting like a living martyr? How selfish am I throughout the course of my day? How often do I look for ways to be a blessing to my children?

I've come to realize that failings in those areas happen more often than I would like to admit. I find myself thinking, "I've worked hard this morning, I think I'll take the afternoon and read. After all, I think I've earned some time to myself." Then the children get up needing attention and I "SIGH," none too patiently, put them back to bed or find the older ones more work to do to get them "out of my hair".

It really does start out innocently enough. Things work out giving you some free time to go shopping, or to lunch alone with DH, and you think "Wow. That was so refreshing. I can't believe I waited so long to do something like that for myself! I mean, really, one can only give so much without getting burned out. I need to "get" in order to "give," don't I?" And then you find yourself feeling worn out again a few days later, and you begin looking for ways to get some more "me" time. Each time the interval gets smaller and smaller until you are constantly looking for ways to "escape" and taking every opportunity to "get away". It may be simply through a book, or movie, or the computer, but it's an escape mechanism. I've found the more I think I need, the more my family is more than willing give me (:/), but also the more I feel a sense of entitlement to it, and as a result the less fulfilling it is.

It's just like anything else. Man is never satisfied. The more he gets the more he wants. The same concept applies to "me" time. If you give yourself an inch, I guarantee you, you will take a mile. That idea does not just apply to others. This also leads to irritability and resentment toward the ones you love most when things don't work out. (Which reminds me of another area I need to work on....treating my family better than I treat people outside of it. How often I find myself being more considerate to strangers than I am to the most important people in my life.)

The fact of the matter is, I don't need "me" time. It isn't all about "me". It's about others. Day in and day out. If I do happen to get time to myself, I enjoy it, but not without measure. True fulfillment comes from a life lived for others.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart." When we do things God's way, He changes our desires. We think that we can't be happy and fulfilled unless we get some time out for ourselves, but the truth is we will never be happy and fulfilled until we give our lives unreservedly to others.

Sin (and selfishness is a sin) will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and charge you more than you are willing to pay.