Spiritual Growing Pains

"Open thy mouth wide and I will fill it."

That verse has been going through my mind an awful lot lately.

Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it, and it might not be all you thought it would be, or come about the way you thought it would, but in all aspects will be infinitely better.

Josh and I have been seeking God's heart with all our hearts concerning His divine plan for our lives. Never, ever, in a million years would I have ever thought it would be what it has turned out to be.

Never.

I can't even type that without a welling up in my throat, and tears burning my eyes.

Each time the Lord reveals a step, I'll be honest, my stomach clenches into knots, and I feel fear. Nervousness. Overwhelming insecurity. And my first thought is always, "What? That can't be right. I can't do this! Josh, maybe; probably, but.... Surely there's been a mistake somewhere along the line. There has to be a more qualified couple/person to do this. I can think of a few myself right off the top of my head." And I end up convincing myself that I just need to relax, and in a few days this will all go away. (insert nervous chuckle here) :/

No matter what it is that I'm asked to do that's how I feel. I'm willing, but as far as ability goes, it's simply not there. I am embarrassed to admit that I've cried myself to sleep over some of the things I've been asked to do recently out of frustration and intense feelings of utter inadequacy.

I'm positive I know how Moses felt.

I know that I should never attempt to do God's work in my own strength and all, but it's kind of like learning and thinking you know all about submission before you are married. Knowing something, and doing it are two entirely. different. things. I "know" that it doesn't matter how I feel about something, I just have to obey and let God work through me. So what if I feel like a fool, and everyone can see that I have no confidence and probably feel sorry for me while I'm doing what I've been asked to do?

It isn't about me.

If I'm worried about that stuff, that's my flesh and pride getting in the way. My job is just to obey, do my best, and leave the rest up to God. It's His work. Not mine. Do you know how often I have to remind myself of all these things? Without ceasing. Those feelings start to well up inside of me when I least expect them, and it's a battle that I have to hand over to God time and time and time again.

But God is so good! Every morning since all of this came about, I have been dumb-struck at how God's speaks specifically to me about everything I've been feeling and battling when I do my devotions. I stand in awe that He cares that much about how I feel in all of this. It's the most humbling thing. Who am I? Why would He care about my petty feelings? He truly understands though and He doesn't condemn me for them. He just gently reminds me over and over what is true when the devil is putting lies into my head that I have to battle not to believe. I "know" that God loves me, but when you see, when you actually get a glimpse of the magnitude of His love, it makes you want to fall flat on your face before Him and worship Him; to thank Him from the depths of your being because you can never more plainly see your own unworthiness. I can't think of a single solitary thing that is more humbling than that.

~The truth is, I can't do these things. "I know that in me, that is in my flesh, dwelleth no good thing." "Hosea 12:6 "Therefore turn thou to thy God: keep mercy and judgment, and wait on thy God continually."

But God can. Isaiah 26: 12 "LORD, thou wilt ordain peace for us: for thou also hast wrought all our works in us."

I've learned that it is an absolute necessity for me to pray daily that He would empty me of myself so that He can fill me with His Spirit. More often than not, I have to pray it several times throughout the course of my day. It is so easy to be selfish, and lazy, and apathetic. II Kings 18:18b "....for in their set office they sanctified themselves in holiness." Isaiah 44:1-3 "Yet now hear...my servant...whom I have chosen: Thus saith the LORD that made thee, and formed thee from the womb, which will help thee; Fear not...my servant and thou whom I have chosen. For I will pour water upon him that is thristy, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed and my blessing upon thine offspring."

~The truth is, it's not about what I want. II Chronicles 30:8 "Now be ye not stiffnecked....but yield yourselves unto the LORD.....and serve the LORD your God."

It's about what God wants. "Isaiah 43:1, 5a, &7 "...thus saith the LORD that created thee...Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour. Fear not: for I am with thee....Even every one that is called by my name : for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him."

~The truth is, I don't have a choice in the matter. Isaiah 43:21 "This people have I formed for myself; they shall shew forth my praise." Isaiah 42:6 "I the LORD have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and will keep thee..."

God chooses whom He wants to use, and He is going to choose those who don't think they can do it so that He gets all the glory for any success, beyond any shadow of doubt.

Isaiah 26:2-3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength."